What They Don’t Tell You About Having A Baby

Let’s get straight down to business.

what-they-dont-tell-you-about-having-a-baby

I would love to give you an intro paragraph and talk about a funny experience I had with the little one but… no time. Little Mister Screamo is ACTUALLY asleep in the daytime. I want to write this piece before he wakes up and screams for titties like it’s the apocalypse.

Little Mister Screamo is ACTUALLY asleep in the daytime. I want to write this piece before he wakes up and screams for titties like it’s the apocalypse.

1. Nips the size of a planet.

One fine day, either during or post pregnancy you will walk into the bathroom to take a shower and check yourself out in the mirror only to realise that your once voluptuous, succulent, lovely pink-tinged little nips have morphed into gargantuan target-like objects. That titillating pink tinge? Gone. I can only dare to call this new transformation “dark matter”.
I’ve got bad news for you – they’re here to stay.

2. You don’t know sleep deprivation.

No really, you don’t until you’ve had a baby. Symptoms resemble mental illness, dementia, incoherent speech, drooling, unresponsiveness, and in severe cases, falling asleep standing in mid-conversation with your mother-in-law.
I know this has been expressed a gazillion times and it’s cliché as all fucks, but it needs to be articulated.

This isn’t that time you were too lazy to study for your VCE exams and stayed up cramming for three nights. Or that time you attended a three-day music festival and were coming down from a cocktail of drugs. That shit ain’t shit.

The sleep deprivation you are forced to endure with a baby is like cramming for VCE exams with no sleep whilst simultaneously attending a music festival 365 days of the year and coming down from biccies and then going on a high and coming down again NON-STOP FOREVER. Well, at least it seems like forever. If you have a bub that sleeps through the night… Well, bless your little heart. So if you ain’t got a baby, don’t talk to me about how tired you are because your neighbour’s dog woke you up at 8 am. I will slap you.

3. Outta control hormones

Pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones are not to be messed with. Those fuckers are a whole new ball game and have made me feel womanly emotions I have never felt before, like, crying when King Joffrey died cos you know, as much of a c–t as he was, he was still someone’s son and that shit’s just sad. So sad. WTF. Did I just say that?
Those hormones will also cause you to cry over spilled milk, cry because the sunset is just so beautiful, cry because you saw a picture of someone crying, and cry because you realised that you just ran out of salted caramel ice cream.
Hormones please, just get your shit together.

4. Get used to having your coffee cold.

Save yourself from creating a strict diet regime post-pregnancy. You don’t need the gym either because your pregnancy weight will drop before you know it. Fast.
You know why? Cos those little scoundrels make you work your ass off 24/7 and will not let you eat either. Who needs Commando Steve when you got a baby?
It’s like they’re auto-tuned to squashing your bare survival needs. As soon as you’re about to bite into your lunch. Bam. Cries. The second you take a sip from your hot coffee. Bam. Cries. It’s cool, who likes their coffee hot anyway? It’s kind of like having iced coffee, only at room temperature.

5. Episio- you’re gonna snip my what?

I’m sorry, doc, I know I’m feeling pretty woozy from trying to push a baby the size of a pony out of my genitals and that gas I’ve been inhaling is just making me high off my face… But just to clarify, did you just say you’re gonna tear me a new one?
Seriously, I think doctors just use fancy medical terms to sugarcoat the fact that they’re about to butcher your body. Like, “Oh, we’re just going to be performing an episiotomy, not to worry, just a tiny little incision.” Yeah well, that is until you get home and find out that you now have a poonan that connects to your bumhole.

6. Enjoy your lush pregnancy hair

Because it’s gonna shed like a mofo a few months post-baby.
You will hardly lose any hair for nine months because, well, hormones. Now imagine nine months worth of hair deciding to all fall out at once. It’s like a scene out of a Japanese horror movie.
If I were to collect all the hair that has dropped on the floor after a shower, I could make myself a pimp ass fur coat.

7. You will be that overprotective and paranoid Mum you said you will never be.

Whether you like it or not. I always told myself that I would be the most chill Mum; kick back, smoke a blunt and listen to a bit of Dre and Biggie whilst bouncing around with the baby. Alright, I wouldn’t smoke a blunt but I always thought I would be cool, calm and collected, you know what I’m saying?
Well, now I’m all like, “Holy moly, he’s choking on water! Call the ambulance!” Or “He just coughed… OMG call the doc he must have whooping cough!” Or when he lightly bumps his head on something I downright think he’s about to go into a coma. Every single time.
Again hormones, just get your shit together. God damn.

8. Engorgement – No, that’s not the name of a dam.

In fact, that’s the name of your boobs a couple days after you have given birth and they are comparable to Mount Vesuvius erupting, spilling lava into an entire ancient township and turning everyone and everything into stone.
Okay, maybe that was a bit dramatic. But that’s how I felt the day my milk came in and I woke up feeling like I just came home from a Spring Break Wet T-shirt contest. Only there was no partying and boozing involved (unfortunately), but instead, my screaming baby woke up to the smell of fresh milk and wanted him a piece o’ dat. On the upside, my boobs grew by two sizes so that’s kind of cool.

This is NOT to put anyone off having kids. All the bad stuff aside– it’s actually the best rollercoaster ride I have been on in my life.

Not a day that goes by when I don’t learn something amazing and new. Like, how the heck it’s possible that bub just got poo in his neck crevices and hair?

Peace out.

Tina

 


Tina Pik is a travel and parenting writer, self-proclaimed comedian and food worshipper from Melbourne. She is passionate about documenting the raw and downright hilarious sides of parenthood, and the woes of travelling with kids on her blog Hangry By Nature.

Follow Tina’s misadventures on Instagram and Facebook.

4 Comments
  1. Profile photo of Megga
    Megga 2 weeks ago

    God those engorged breasts remember that and no sleep and wet pad and i rang my darling to see if he could bring in a cabbage for my boobs and he hung up on me i could have died also uncomfortable from ceasaerean felt very alone and helpless needless to say that asshole got shoved right out of my life when i was fit enough

  2. Profile photo of Raelene
    Raelene 2 weeks ago

    Sleep deprivation, oh yeah….left the grocery trolley full to the brim with the weeks paid for groceries in the car park! Drove home,put kids to bed and sat down with a cuppa only for the phone to ring and the supermarket owner telling me my groceries were on there way!! Had not even realised I had left them behind in my fog and stress( master 3 had turned the decant your own red wine tap on and flooded the bottle shop). Thank goodness we were living in a very small country town at the time. Funny how my brain has never recovered from the early years lol

  3. Profile photo of Lily of the more
    Lily of the more 2 weeks ago

    Haha, as someone yet to discover the wonders of pregnancy, birth and motherhood I love hearing the raw honest truth! Does it terrify me? Yes! Can I relate to the wonderous love,joy and pleasure that one supposedly gets alongside these awful sounding torturous bonuses….? No. Will I jump head-first into this willingly one day? I hope so! Bring it on! Thanks for sharing 😉

  4. Profile photo of Cat
    Cat 2 weeks ago

    Hahaha… I’m sitting with my 16 month old who’s nappy I have just found has leaked poo out the side all over the couch on her clothes and up my arm. How did this happen. I was enjoying a HOT coffee that’s how this happened. You literally never get a hot coffee or something like this happenes… oh and forget about trying to have a crap in piece that’s not even the worst of it, the worst of it is trying to change a tampon with your toddler standing in front of you watching but unable to shoo them away. Good times, good times.

Leave a reply

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account