- September 12, 2016 at 4:46 am #6573Scattered MamaParticipant
I cannot be too shocked at her words. I’ve lived with the label running through my head my entire life. Both my biological parents (probably a few more on either side of my family tree- if I’m being perfectly honest) suffer from one form or the other of Bipolar Disorder. Both of them being perfectly fine relishing in their mental illness: unmedicated, medicated, hospitalized, terrorizing the people they love, begging the people they love for forgiveness.
I’ve hated them both for their illness. I’ve hated them for what they put our family through, for what they put me through as a child. I’ve hated them for the fact that my children have no grandparents- or really- no family from my side.
But once I finished my explanation, in great detail, to my psychiatrist as to why I was there yesterday, once she studied the results of a 6 hour gamut of neuropsychological testing that I endured last month, she looked me straight in the eyes and said “My dear, this is very clearly Bipolar Disorder.”
She, unabashedly, looked me in the eyes and told me that I was my mother. I was my father. I am who I’ve hated for so long.
Truly, flesh of their flesh.
Of course my doctor had no idea the true weight of her words. How could she? And if she did, she most certainly would have said- like you are probably saying- “You are not your mother. You are not your father. Their failures are not yours. Their choices are not yours.”
I hope to believe that. I hope to truly make that statement a fact.
But for now, I am here.
I am here just barely beginning to grasp my diagnosis of ADHD- and now this.
I am here.
I am here, on day 2 of a small cocktail of medications that are supposed to keep me sane.
I am here, knowing that, as scary as these medications and their lists of side effects are, I will return to that swivel chair that I was sitting in when I was told that I am mentally ill, and be prescribed with two additional medications.
I am here.
I am here to not be my mother, my father.
I am here for my sweet, sweet children- with horrid thoughts of my failures- both past and future- to them.
I am here for my failing marriage, now carrying the weight of it in its entirety.
I am here.
-Scattered MamaSeptember 14, 2016 at 6:47 am #6608JJParticipant
You are here to be your true awesome self. Take those bits of your diagnosis and turn them into something truly unique – turn them into you.
Being medicated isn’t a weakness, it is a strength, it shows you care about yourself, that you want the best for yourself and you are willing to face it head on even when it is really fucking hard.October 19, 2016 at 2:57 am #6977AnonymousOctober 19, 2016 at 6:36 am #6983NatalieParticipant
I hear you my Queen Sister, BPD here in some way or another 🙃 You are a Queen 👸 in your true form never let a day end without telling yourself “I am doing the best I can in this moment with what I have” 🙏🏻October 25, 2016 at 9:53 pm #7032Carol-AnneParticipant
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