- February 22, 2016 at 9:41 am #3550JaneyOParticipant
I have been married for a year and a half, and been with hubby for 3 years. We have a toddler and our relationship has reached a very unhappy point. It’s hard to explain it all without examples of all the times I’ve felt let down but I’m at a point where my self esteem is on the floor because my emotional needs just aren’t being met despite time and time again trying to explain what I need- I’ve become a bit of a nag in my attempts to explain. Hubby has a short temper and is often moody, have stopped asking him why he is in a bad mood as I always get the same response ‘I’m not in a bad mood’ me:’ what’s wrong then?’ ‘Nothing, now I’m in a bad mood because of you’ it’s all very frustrating.
I made a big move to Scotland from England to make our relationship work and now with a little one I am needing the support of a network of family and friends, something we don’t have here as my husbands family lives abroad. We have drifted apart as we never get the opportunity to go out and do things for ourselves or with extended family. We can’t agree on where we want to live, I want to move back to where our network is for a better quality of life but hubby refuses point blank to move as he runs a business here. I feel like he is solely motivated by money and I’m expected to continue living the life he chose for himself as a single man as he always says ‘well you knew what I wanted to do when you moved here’- does that mean we have to live in that situation forever even if it doesn’t make our family happy?
I’m totally confused and would appreciate any help from this community of Queens. Am I being selfish? Should I stay because I made my bed and I should lie in it? Or is it better to move somewhere I’ll have more support and will be happier even if that means splitting my family up? I’ve been offered a job interview for a great opportunity in England and it’s getting to a tough decision time, please help!February 22, 2016 at 1:23 pm #3634Lora CParticipant
I think you already answered it yourself: you’re not happy where you are. That says a lot. Your husband has to understand how your happiness is as important to your family as his income. Sounds like he’s not only neglecting your professional success but also your relationship, which raises another flag. I know how it can be very discouraging when it feels like the other person is not making any effort in working on the relationship, not opening up their feelings and thoughts–you feel like you’re being left behind, ignored, unappreciated… and in those cases, it might be a good idea to get counseling.
My advice is: go to the interview and see what happens then. See how you feel if you either get the job or not, I think it would definitely help you realize the importance of your happiness in building up your family’s happiness.February 22, 2016 at 7:08 pm #3774MaddiParticipant
before you make that final decision, Does he know of your intentions to leave due to your unhappiness and have you ever considered marriage counselling/would he be open to this?
When a child comes into your life it totally alters everything – nothing can prepare you on the impact that it can have on your relationship, career progression and finances. This little person dictates everything.
I would take the time to tell him how you’re feeling isolated and really need your friends & family. Are you able to take a short break with Bub to visit family/friends?February 22, 2016 at 11:14 pm #3817JaneyOParticipant
Thank you both for your responses. He does know I am unhappy and am looking to move and his response is he wants to split if I’m not happy here. He has been staying in the spare bedroom since January after I suggested we take a bit of space, things had been very intense and after a week of calming down and his extra effort to help out more I thanked him for that and asked if he wanted to move back into our room but he said no, I’ve been feeling quite rejected after that and he also told me he was done then and felt we should split, it was then I started looking for a job down South. It’s confusing as he says something different every time we talk, like he doesn’t know what he wants. Sometimes he will say that he wants me to stay and we can work on it but for me to stay feels like I would be compromising my needs for someone who has made it clear he’s unwilling to compromise for me. What is holding me back from moving on is our child, I want to be sure I am doing the right thing for her.February 23, 2016 at 12:15 am #3821JulesParticipant
Don’t make a life changing decision while you are emotionally charged. If you have exhausted all your options, consulted a divorce lawyer, tried counselling and taken the time to assess if this is the best decision and find you are in a true place of peace with the decision to split then that is the time to do so. If you think it’s tough now it is 100 times tougher as a single mum, co-parenting, splitting assets etcFebruary 23, 2016 at 5:08 am #3858Lora CParticipant
I do agree you should try to take a decision in a more rational way and try counseling first. But I do not agree that the fear of being a single mom should stop you from following pursuing your happiness. You’re not the first one, and will definitely won’t be the last making it!
I truly feel your agony, it really sounds like you guys need a professional to help you with communicating your feelings, needs and frustrations. Have you asked him if he would be up for it?
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