Looking for separation advise , twisted times

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Eva Eva 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #7434
    Profile photo of Michelle Michelle 
    Participant

    Hi , it’s going to be one of those days where my bedroom is my refuge and I’m not sitting here thinking things over and over wondering if I’m doing the right thing . Thing is I’ve been offered a chance to accept my partner back but the way it’s being done by him is beyond my logic . The story goes like this ……
    One day we all suited , frocked up to go to the horse races . Was a great day with my friend S and hubby T and kids , many alcoholic bevies were had and we happily rolled on back to our place to kick off our shoes . My husband and bestie were getting very cosey and I noticed but the mood was spirited and no fuck were given by me because hey his my husband and it’s cute to see . Things progressed to them taking a shower together and as I walked into my bed room found her bent over and him giving it to her from the back . I was WOW ! Okay I think this is okay , I’m open minded . I did not join in but looked after kids and left them alone ….
    Hubby certainly got a bounce in his step , I was quite happy to see him so happy and we talked about how fun it was and I set my boundaries and said not to fall in love and never fck her without me being there . So yes he agreed and said it can only happen if your there . So I was quite comfortable felt pretty groovey about having a fck buddy in our relationship . I’ve known her for a year and been support person during her mArriage breakdown ” he is a perpetrator of DV in every way ” and she left him … So I trust them …. And as the weeks go on I have a threesome with them and it’s fun .
    But I notice how he showers her with affection and I say I’m feeling left , out so he tries to give some affection to me too . And we leave it at that . I had to go away for four days and I was talking to him and said I don’t want you to see her whilst i’m away. He got very grumpy with me and started to blame me for things in the past made me feel silly for trying to control the situation , he had made arrangements to have have dinner with her on the Friday night . He saw his love to me and said it won’t hurt we just gonna have dinner and hang out ,,,I gave in! Whilst away I rang him and he was with her everyday I was away . I was disappointed as I felt my boundaries had been broken . We talked I told him that I had put my boundaries in because I knew that any more than what I had agreed to i could not cope with.
    T works away from home and comes back on the weekends S lives just down the rd . The weekend after I got back from Sydney he came home on the Saturday and was very eager to go and visit her, I said this isn’t really working you have crossed my boundaries and I’m not feeling comfortable I know you want to go down and see her without me I’m feeling very left out, he told me he was going down to measure her kitchen as he had been talking to men on site and they were prepared to donate a kitchen for her so I agreed that it was a lovely gesture and that he should go down there and measure the kitchen. I later found out that she had jumped him for sex and he had obliged even though he knew that I was past my limits emotionally.
    Need I say any more it’s been like this every weekend and he has fallen in love with her! to save myself emotionally I have asked for a separation . Asking for a separation was not a threat from me but a chance to stop the emotional rollercoasters that he had put me on .
    I separated with him last Friday and since then he has said he loves me and can we try and work it out can I please let him know if I want him back because then if you knows that I want him back then he will end things with her , yes hes still romancing her and is in love with her but wants the guarantee that I’ll take him back before he does end it with her , crazy hey! I would’ve kicked him to the curb if I didn’t have to beautiful children with him The little ones need to be considered. I do believe that I’m going a head with the separation I think it’s the right thing to do it’s still very hard though ,any advice and strength would be greatly appreciated queens.

    #7624
    Profile photo of Eva Eva 
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    That is a very complicated situation you find yourself in.
    From my point of view, respect and trust are the most important things and the foundation of any relationship, and seems in this case yours were broken.
    You accepted a situation in which you were comfortable in, made an agreement, and set the boundaries.
    Your husband was in full understanding that his actions were to hurt you, as you previously had let him know.
    No one can tell you what to do, because you will feel it in your hearth and you are the one to live trough your decisions, and as you mentioned, you have your children to consider as well, but seems to me that him wanting you to assure you’ll take him back before ending things with your friend sounds as if he wants to continue things with any of you, you firstly and if not possible maybe pursue something with her?
    Have you spoken to this woman and explained to her how you feel towards the situation?

    A long time has passed by, how has this developed?

    Hope you are doing good and feeling better.

    Love, Eva

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