I just need somewhere safe to rant!!!

This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of  Anonymous 4 months, 1 week ago.

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    Profile photo of Jodi Jodi 

    I broke up with my partner yesterday…

    I should have done it a long time ago, and I know it, but I kept looking for reasons to stay, and I found them, so I did. But yesterday I could no longer find any more reasons.

    This relationship is only a year and a bit old, I’m not a huge fan of relationships to be honest, I’m happy as a single, and the few actual relationships I’ve had, have invariably led to one disaster or another so i kinda just resigned myself to the fact that i would be single forever, and I was actually ok with that…and then I met this man!

    And at first it was amazing/scary/amazing/schoolyard crushy/amazing…

    Let me just background myself here for a bit of perspective…I have solo parented 2 children (both still breathing), been date-raped by an ex, watched my entire extended family fall apart, attempted to take my own life in despair (thankfully I’m a bit hopeless at it), been married to a narcissist who walked out 2 months and 2 days after we were married, been left in a HUGE financial shitpile thanks to afore-mentioned narcissist and spent years paying the enormous debt he left me while living in remote North WA (crazy expensive…you have no idea), so it’s pretty safe to say I have been there done most of that…anyway!

    I’m not the needy type, but I do require a bit of adult human interaction now and then, and about 4-5 months into this relationship I started realising that this guy, who I’d fallen madly in love with, was very “absent” Realistically, I only saw him late at night as he crawled in to bed because he had been “busy, dealing with other stuff” As I became more and more lonely in my relationship, I decided “fuck this” we are going to sort this shit out and find a happy place to be at! But then, the fighting started – I could not get him to see that I was feeling like an “afterthoought”, feeling like the bros, the bros bro, and the bros, bros aunty’s dog all had a place in his life and I was just the person he fell in to bed with and then spent the night snoring and farting next to.

    Well, after many, many an argument (and kicking him out since he didn’t seem to want to be here anyway) he discloses to me that he has an illness and has been, with the help of his friends although against their advise, hiding it from me. Now, I’m not just talking a low-level illness here…the Big C!

    Right, so, he has cancer…Ok, so we have decided that this relationship is valuable to both of us and I have chosen to stick by him and we will tackle this however we can together!! Resolved? Umm…read on.

    3 months later, lot’s has happened BUT I need sex and I need it more often that once every 6 weeks or so (ffs my grandparents had more sex than that at 70 and to be honest, I had a LOT more sex than that when I was blooody single!!) I’m not playing lightly with this…the lack of sex i was experiencing is literally breaking me especially the rejection when he pills away from my touch, I feel unloved, i feel like i must be completely repulsive, and most of all I’m fucking hurt and confused. Queue fighting – again! Final result of tearful, heartbroken arguments? Turms out he has been also keeping from me the fact that he has an erectile function issue and didn’t for a minute think it would have any bearing on a relationship with a partner even though he also informs me that he has lost 2 previous relationships because of it…go figure!

    Resolution…he agrees that we will both do whatever iis necessary to fix this, we will see a doctor together and try get to the bottom of the problem… Hold that thought and read on!

    Fast forward another 3 months. After still having nothing from hhim in terms of his “illness” and still having no sex, and then finding out that he is stopping breathing at friends houses and they are all working together to keep it from me, well basically, I’m starting to see the writing on the wall.

    The half-truths, untruths, flat out lies, the deception and then the concurrent nasty manipulation that happens as this man’s partial truths get found oout (because hell yes, I confront him about it) are wearing me down and now I’m struggling to find a reason to stay in this relationship…but I can still find one, and that’s enough.

    Until yesterday…

    I’m done. I spent 6 years with, and then married a narcissist who would not accept any responsibility for his own involvement in a situation and got a lot of pleasure out of justifying to himself why he could HATE someone, and it’s all starting to happen again, actually, if I’m honest it’s been happening for a long while. I can’t afford to lose another 6 years of my life, and another chunk of my soul to someone who cannot, or will not be honest with themselves or with people they (supposedly) love. I chose me yesterday. He is attacking at the moment telling me I need to be a “REAL” woman, I say “kiss my arse motherfucker” I have never been more real for myself than I am being at this very moment!!!

    Be gentle….this page doesn’t have enough storage for the whole sordid story 😛

    Profile photo of Beck Kells Beck Kells 

    its sounds like you have been through the wars and now have finally made a choice to benefit you. GO GIRL!! just try to remember why you left and stay strong. don’t back step. you made the first step by breaking away, now its time for the hardest part…staying away. good luck babe.

    Profile photo of Boobsy LaRue Boobsy LaRue 

    Hi Queen Jodi,
    I definitely agree with Beck, you have made a good choice in breaking away, now staying away is the hardest part.
    When I read
    “I have never been more real for myself than I am being at this very moment!!!” I mentally fist pumped you. Shit yeah. You know what is right for you (and for your kids). I would say I wish you all the best (and I do) but I don’t need to. You are clearly a woman who makes her own luck. Good on you for having the strength to stand apart from a shit situation. Best thing ever for your kids to see.
    Good on you Queen.

    Profile photo of  Anonymous

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