How did I get myself into this…..

This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Young Wifey Young Wifey 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #7362
    Profile photo of Young Wifey Young Wifey 
    Participant

    Here’s some back story… I’m newly married, just moved to a new city from the country and decided to save money we would rent with a friend and his partner before going it alone as rent is really expensive. So we signed a 12 month lease on an apartment and plan to save to move into a house next year.

    The friend James was my husbands BM at our wedding, James’ girlfriend, Rebecca, is my husbands ex-girlfriend.
    Yes it was over 6 years ago but still weird.

    Before James and Rebecca started dating she was incredibly rude to me and my husband to the point that she got fired from her job because the owner noticed her behaviour towards us – some of her most regular customers and told us so herself after she fired her. She asked her brothers to beat up my husband as revenge for him breaking up with her and threatened to kill herself unless he broke up with me and got back with her. Fast forward 5 years… and here we are.

    Rebecca is terribly inappropriate towards my husband, she refers to him as one of her boys, makes his lunch every day (like gets up early to do so – and no she was never asked), and constantly asks James why they can’t be more like us. For example married in our early 20’s (we have been together 5 years). She likes to make him treats (which she hides from me – hey I like cake too!) and acts interested in every activity he enjoys and likes to show that she’s better than me. I suffer from extreme anxiety and severe panic attacks in relation to certain situations, new food and even my own brother – I suffer a great deal because of it and if I am not comfortable doing something because I am scared she flaunts it that she can do it fine and she finds it so easy and enjoys it. She’s very controlling and immature. When I try to explain that over the years I’ve been friends with James (over 5 years as close friends) this is the most committed he’s ever been she snaps back she’s known him longer (he was a year above her in primary school but they had no contact since till a few weeks before they started dating) and that she wants more – she wants to be married, she won’t accept anything less. She does all the housework before I get home from work and starts dinner while I am still at work so I get no chance to clean or cook and then she complains about how she does everything.

    Last night I had enough and I made my husbands lunch so she couldn’t, I then got in trouble because I didn’t make James’ lunch as well.

    I just want to know, am I normal in feeling like I am not enough. Not as a wife but as a woman, I have severe anxiety about eating something I’ve never tried before, to the point I almost cry and on the verge of a panic attack. I hate housework and cleaning, I love cooking but never get a chance. Is she deliberately trying to undermine me? To make me feel inadequate? My friends advice is to move out, but after not even two months into a lease would that just be admitting defeat. My mum says my marriage is not worth the money saved, I don’t see her as a threat though I feel she is trying to be. I can just feel my anxiety creeping back up on me which I worked so hard to get to a manageable state after getting off medication and no longer having to attend weekly sessions with my psychologist. I haven’t had a panic attack in months, I’ve mostly overcome the intense fear of my brother to the point I can briefly talk to him indirectly if I make no eye contact and I feel like she’s pushing me back there. She taunts me when I won’t eat something, telling me not to be a pussy and laughs when I say I can’t.

    Is the money we are saving worth this? My husband wants to leave but I don’t want our relationship with James to suffer. Like sorry mate we love you but your girlfriend is cruel and inappropriate towards my husband?

    How does a friendship survive that.

    I need the help of you Queens cause right now I don’t feel like a Queen. I feel like a trampled on maid.

    – Young Wifey

    #7422
    Profile photo of Kasper Kasper 
    Participant

    Hey

    First of all, chin up! You and your husband must have a phenomenal relationship with eachother. Not many of us would be ok to move in with an ex. I admire your graciousness and the level of comfort and candidacy your marriage appears to be based on

    From what I’ve gathered, you’re living with you husbands best man and ex girlfriend, you both want to move on from this arrangement but also want to save money which is advantageous, however i would have to agree with your mum and suggest you put your marriage before your money.
    I can understand you’re trying to be the graceful one here and try to make this situation work, but from my personal experience, you can’t force something like this. My husband and I lived with a couple i was not comfortable with for a year and a half and it severely affected my mental health and subsequently our relationship. The best thing i did was move is out of that house. I still get anxiety when we travel through that town.

    I would strongly advise you to put the state of your mental health higher in your priorities than money, or trying to keep the peace, and, to most if all, put you and your husband first :} James will understand.

    I hope I helped and best of luck xx

    #7432
    Profile photo of Young Wifey Young Wifey 
    Participant

    Thank you so much Kasper, you really did help a lot. We have been discussing moving out again recently and have made the decision to wait till our credit card is paid off and we have enough for a bond elsewhere and we will start looking for places to live in the new year. Should only take us 10 weeks to pay it all of and have enough savings thanks to my husband getting a significant pay rise. In the mean time we will spend every weekend away from the apartment to give us a short break to recharge before going back in – visiting family and the occasional camping weekend. Gives us a goal to work towards – we can never seem to save if we don’t have a goal – and a time limit to help remind us that this horrible situation is ending. Who knows they could break up by then!

    Thank you again, hearing from someone (that’s not family) that I’m not crazy is such a relief! xx

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