- November 29, 2016 at 4:46 pm #7251Caroline HarveyParticipant
So I am a 36 year old working mother of 5 (oldest 20 – youngest 2).
At the moment I feel that I am seriously failing in the mother department. I have been doing this for 20 years now…… surely it should become easier?
I just feel like it is becoming harder. Drowning in washing, house work, a never ending list of chores that just make me want to stay in my bed abd hide from the world.
I look at the other mums in my 6 year olds class and they all have it so together. PTA members, coffee mornings, running their kids to just about every after school activity possible, their kids are the best readers and writers because of all the extra time they put in and they are still smiling and looking wonderful on the morning school run.
Where as at the moment I am juggling everything plus working evenings and weekends and consider my day succesful if my son has a clean uniform, has brushed his teeth without a fight and got to school on time.
I look at these mums and wonder how the f**k they have it all together the way they do?
I literally feel like a failure constantly struggling with normal everyday activities. When I say struggling I mean ignoring them as much as possible. I have forgotten how to be that mum who has everthing under control and dealt with.
I have hubby that works very hard all day, which I truly appreciate….. but he seems to have forgotten how to help me round the house (he used to be amazing, cooking, cleaning, etc.).
Please tell me I am not the only one out there failing to be one of these apparently perfect mothers I am surrounded by!!
Because I really am feelung like a massive failure and don’t know how to get out of this rut I am in!December 1, 2016 at 7:47 am #7253BecParticipant
You are NOT a useless mother!!!
I feel like that a lot and I only have two kids- the oldest being 7! It sounds like you have worked your ass off for over 20 years and you feel guilty about wanting some ‘me’ time.
I find that motherhood for me is a constant cycle of guilt. I feel guilty I don’t do more with them, guilty I’m a short-tempered psycho, guilty I’m not more fun, guilty I couldn’t be assed baking all day, guilty I do the bare minimum chores cos I hate housework, guilty I don’t seduce my wonderful partner very often at all…. the list goes on!
Perhaps you could do with a little getaway. Easier said than done I know, especially on low income. But hunt around and try to find a beach you can camp at, a bungalow you can escape to, even if it means a smaller Christmas. Get away for a weekend where you’re not being drowned out by the guilt of not doing enough. Enjoy the freedom and the mess and the family and forget about all the other shit.
The mums who pretend to have it all together probably don’t- they just dress nice then go home to their messy houses. Don’t compare yourself to others. This is the worst thing you can do. You are YOU. Your kids are your kids because you are YOU. Don’t beat yourself up comparing yourself to people you’d like to be. It will only ever make you feel worse about yourself and you shouldn’t.
The only other thing I can recommend is a herbal supplement called St. John’s Wort. It’s great for treating mild depression and can come as a tea or a pill. It says on the box:
– Calms the nerves
– Relieves low mood and irritability (that’s me!)
– Supports emotional balance
– Gain interest in day to day activities (yes please!)
I have a nature’s own brand, but there are many brands out there. It takes about 4 weeks to work properly, and can interfere with the pill and other meds, so be careful. I’ve started it because I have been a total slack ass lately (even more than usual). I too struggle to have fun with my kids and I am always beating myself up about not being good enough. I often think my family deserves a lot better than me. I have tried this stuff before but never given it a proper go. My partner used it when he quit smoking, and it really helped him.
Overall it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job. 2 year olds are full on hard work so of course you’re going to be feeling exhausted. Forget about society’s expectations of you, because that’s all too far to reach anyway. Don’t feel bad for getting some ‘me’ time- you need to look after numero uno before you can look after anyone else. I always say life goes in waves- you have ups and downs. Sounds like you’re in a down at the moment, which means you’ll be on your way up again soon.
You might need a change of scenery, get away from the four walls of your home.
What you’re doing is always good enough, because you are doing your very best.
Good luck and hang in there xxDecember 1, 2016 at 9:15 am #7257SebParticipant
first of all, you’re not a massive failure – so get out of that mindset.
I’m a bit like you, I have 4 kids and I see all these other mums doing absolutely everything with their kids and here’s me doing sweet f-all! I used to think I had to do it all, all the after school activities, all the different sports you could imagine. Then I realised that I do not have to be wonderwoman!
My kids friends are involved in footy, cricket, soccer, little aths, swimming and I see their mums running around constantly after them. I actually don’t feel guilty about it now (used to – yes). My kids are home, they’re not out roaming the streets, they have good happy free lives.
Don’t compare yourself to them. Their life may not be as picture perfect behind the scenes, you never know.December 10, 2016 at 4:03 pm #7327MonMonParticipant
Ok, I have no kids….but I can understand the feeling of never doing enough. I might be completely out there, but it sounds like you’re just run down. Doing 5 kids in 20years would pretty much drain anyone. I’m one of 7 kids and I know my mum was constantly tired and worn down.
I know again this isn’t comparable with having kids, but I really struggle with identifying what I’ve managed to do at work and it seems to be especially strong on days when I been very busy and yes, maybe haven’t gotten through everything but done a great deal. As my work is never finished, I rarely get the sense of accomplishment because theres always more to do. Never ending cycle. If this makes no sense to you, I’ll shut up now.
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