- September 19, 2016 at 9:43 pm #6706NathanParticipant
So my sister has been an incessant follower of Constance for ages and I’ve only recently taken an interest. I’ve read a few bits here and there and have become really interested, taken a tonne on board, and feel like I understand a hell of a lot more. Never before have I had this kind of education to help me out to be a better person to my partner.
So I’ve been with my queen for only five weeks at this stage (I even call her my queen), and she has a wonderful two year old boy who’s stolen my heart just as much as she has. I’m not a parent, but nothing pulls the heart strings like a two year old crying your name at 3AM because mummy won’t answer and he knows your resolve isn’t as strong. This is the first relationship I’ve had where we’ve been 100% open about everything. We laid our lives and baggage bare and just accepted it for what it is. Every time she mentions something she thinks is terrible about her past, I tell her it’s just “stuff” and I still love her. (Admittedly I have terrible anxiety, so when she tells me some things it wrenches my heart, my chest is pounding and I feel bizarrely emotional about it). When I know something emotionally upsets her, it gets to me too. In my last half dozen relationships I’ve always been extremely detached, lacking emotion and generally try not to open up. This relationship has changed everything and I find myself being extremely impulsive, completely attached and very much a bag of mess.
In my head this feels to me like this person is somebody I want be with long term.
She’s insisted my constant love and attention doesn’t irritate her, but she secretly likes it. Then this morning she told me it was annoying. She sorta changes her mind on a daily basis, so I just carry on as I am. We’ve had one or two disagreements, but not really arguments. In the past I’m the stonewalling type, if my previous partners ever got angry I just shut down and refuse to engage. Now I find myself with an equally stubborn person who does the same. The catch is I can’t stand it now, it completely destroys me from the inside and I panic. I’ve always been of the mind that you should never go to sleep until a situation has been resolved, the catch is my queen will quite happily turn over and ignore me entirely. It drove me mad so I got out of bed and just stood in the cold outdoors for a few minutes to collect myself. Shortly after we’ll talk it out and everything is grand again.
At least until last night. Strange things happened.
I’ve mentioned we’re entirely open. We each know one another’s love lives. She has a tendency to tell a story about one of her exes at least once a day. She mentioned she wanted to go and do something, and I offered an alternative that was abroad. She shut down immediately and told me that was where I had been with an ex and that she didn’t want to relive my old relationship. I hadn’t even considered the link, but apologised profusely. She then proceeded to arrange to do this thing with her best friend instead, as my punishment. I just accepted it. She then pretended she had arranged it when we already had plans to go out shopping together, watched me squirm and survey the crushed look on my face, and then informed me she was just screwing with me as further punishment. I’m not entirely certain I like to be toyed with like this, but just accept that it was my own stupid fault.
The tides then turned, as last night I was brushing and blow drying her hair for her. She always straightens it but I frequently tell her how much I love the natural waves of her hair and love it when she has it brushed over one shoulder. So when I finished her hair, I told her how much I loved it. She then turned around and told me her ex used to say the same thing, and that in fact many men would say the same. I kinda felt like she had just thrown it back in my face in the most belittling way possible, and wandered off trying to hide my hurt. A few minutes later I asked her why she was allowed to toss aside my compliment by mentioning an ex, and when I do it I get an inquisition (reading that back I see how stupid this was).
Then the shit hit the fan.
She told me she was stressed out. She said things were different between us, and that we’re getting on each other’s nerves all the time. She said it might be time to spend some time apart, and that if I continued to stress her out she’d call it quits. She told me she hated arguing and I agreed and told her how much I hate it too. She just kept saying things to push me away. I asked her if she wanted me to leave to give her space and she sort of gave a non-answer that eventually meant no. To be perfectly honest it terrified me that after such a great start it had come to this already. I panicked again, told her how much she meant to me and that I’d do anything for her.
We went to bed and she squeezed me tight for about six solid hours. She then woke up in the middle of the night (I didn’t). When she came back she startled me awake and said something I didn’t hear. I asked her what she said and she just got angry again, turned her back to me and said “nevermind”. We wake up in the morning and her little boy came in for morning cuddles. Everything was great and she told me she felt strange and that she didn’t normally act like that. She also said she didn’t remember anything about waking up and being angry. That morning she again got irritated at a side hug when she was drinking her tea, but got really sad when I had to leave for work. I got to work late because I hung around to keep us both happy.
All in all I have no idea what to do. I find myself in a serious relationship with someone with a kid whom I adore. I’m 100% head over heels and love everything about her, including all the bad bits (in fact I love every flaw). But that threat last night if it just being over is something I’ve not really come up against before. I don’t really understand any of it.September 20, 2016 at 1:51 pm #6709CatParticipant
5 weeks in and your already hit with all this drama I know you Say you love her (already?) but I think you might be in for a bit of a hurtful ride with this womanOctober 12, 2016 at 6:39 pm #6912No title requiredParticipant
Maybe she can’t control her PMS. If you are still with her and things are back to being lovely see if you experience similar mood changes before her next period.
What you do after that is up to you. Love her and put up with it, or call her out on how much of a shit she can be and how that affects your mental stability.November 3, 2016 at 7:15 pm #7079BytheseapleaseParticipant
Some times we need to be challenged a bit. My husband CAN enable my crap by not saying anything. Sometimes I do need to be challenged in a loving way. Calling me out is confronting but I kind of would rather him challenge me, than him becoming someone I boss around and he stays silent. I don’t want to be like that. Having said that I really do feel loved by him mostly just letting me be me, and then I realise what I am like and can come around in my own time and apologise. No one wants to be challenged on ALL their bad behaviours ALL the time. But also I have to say he is my husband, so we have had time together and I guess with you, its still sort of a new relationship, and you got to build some trust. Unconditional Love can really change someone’s heart too! A hard thing to do, but if you can it’s worth it. I really don’t know what’s going on with this woman either. She may have lots of baggage and hurt in her life and can’t bring her self to give in to you or what ever the issues are. Or what someone else said above, it could be pure PMS which is a very real condition and not just a “bad day” you can feel seriously out of control and think “this isn’t me”
All the best. Also sometimes space is a good thing too, she has a child as well. I mean it could be hard to let someone in to that part of your life. You sound like a caring person. Its up to you if you persevere or not. But hell, sounds pretty stressful and a bi of drama that’s for sureNovember 17, 2016 at 10:40 pm #7178ElenaParticipant
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