4 things that upset me when I first became a mum that I am #nofucks about now

1) Unasked for advice. I used to see it as a personal attack, highlighting my inadequacies,

“You know you shouldn’t go to her every cry,”


or “you know it’s traumatic to a baby when her mum ignores her crying” I was like, “yep… I’m a child abusing, over protecting huge fuck up that should die. I would dispute them with facts, kind of like the way keyboard warriors love a good ‘statistic’ I’d be like “Well I researched and early anxiety in children is actually linked to….. and not….. (note that I have gaps because I cant for the life of me remember what any of these facts are now) Come my forth baby and people would say “Oh no you cant burp him in that position, its proven to force the gas back down creating bubbles of baby gas fart bombs inside the third chamber of the left compartment of the large intestine and make his reflux worse.” And I just stare back and finally say “Thank you, thank you so much.”

2) My lack of social life. I used to enviously watch on from my computer screen (I didn’t get an iPhone until my second baby) Covered in sour milk while Bill went out with the boys and sent me a text telling me how much of a great night he’s having and how I ‘should check out this new bar in town’ while I felt like a loser with no friends and no nice clothes and no reason to wash the yellow baby shit out of my hair, old before my time. Now days I’m still at home with my children, Bill has joined me though and I see other peoples boyfriends getting tagged in pictures, at new bars, out with the boys while their girlfriends are at home with new babies and the realisation hits me, they are the losers. Missing once in a life time moments for another night out that will eventually all blur into one.

3) Stuff, stuff upset me when I had my first baby. We lived in a tiny flat and my new baby was sharing a room with my step daughter and we couldn’t afford to buy a cot so I had to ask around and borrow one from a friend of my mums ex boyfriend. Id go to friends houses and they had everything from designer nappy bags to top of the range baby bouncers that looked like NASA had beamed them down from space. Ive never been materialistic in my life, something about having my first baby made me feel like I needed stuff. If Im getting thrown food at by a small arsehole it just seemed to pack a bigger punch that the highchair was a second hand $24 ikea one, surly hurled mash felt ok from a $300 brand new one? I had a $500 car that rarely started, once I had a friend’s new girlfriend walk me and my baby to our car and she couldn’t believe it was mine… “Hang on? Aren’t you supposed to get a Prado when you have a baby? Like… this isn’t even safe? if you crashed and shit this thing would disintegrate”
Me “yeah… lets call Bill and tell him to grab me a Prado on his way home and shit… cos its that easy and like me and the baby are gonna die on our way home if you dont… and shit..”

By the time I had my forth baby I had lost my drive for stuff, the twins live in hand me downs and I have a firm belief that owning an expensive car won’t make my life anymore satisfying. We do have more then we did back then, it doesn’t necessarily make me a happier person, I will always find an excuse to complain, thats my skill.
At one point I wanted a thermomix, because everyone told me it would make my life easier. I opted for the cheaper version, the Bellini. As suspected I used it 3 times and its now a constant remember of how little cooking I do. Basically if I was to pay over 2k for an appliance it would want to cook from scratch, wash my dishes and give my husband a blow job once the kids were asleep.
Stuff breaks, it gets old and to be honest it just doesn’t inspire me. Holidays do, cocktails on holidays are my kind of stuff.

Most of all, when I had my first child I feared women. I knew that they had been doing this longer then me, like when you start a new job and all the old experts are watching the way you do things and sometimes even laughing while you fumbled your way through unknown territory awkwardly trying to look fluent, adequate, unique.
I thought that was what joining this cycle of mothers was, so I kept my distance and did my own thing and subsequently it became the loneliest time of my life.

Come my 3rd and 4th child I now know, not that I am adequate or that I am now the expert, now I know that it doesn’t matter how many babies you have your never an expert on anything but your own journey…. and even thats a stretch… I have 4 kids and I have no idea what the answers for your baby’s latest issue is, but I love chatting about them and working out what the fuck we are all going to do and bitch about our husbands pretending to have the parenting capacity of a drunk horse and make each other food (un pack each others take away). My fear of having to compete with other mothers went when I realised, that there is no competition at all, just a whole pile of glorious Queens wondering why the fuck there is shit in our hair and who we have become.

4) My first baby I feared other women, by the forth I knew I wouldn’t survive without them.

Love Con xxx

  1. Profile photo of saggytitts
    saggytitts 7 months ago

    you rock queen you rock…the moments ive hated most was when one of my kids hurt themselves bad and you take them to hospital and its the spanish fucking inquisition cause the wanna make sure you didnt hurt your kid on purpose….goes well with the diarrhea inducing stress and anxiety and total terror that goes along with a serious injury your child has had…at 2 yrs old my son was jumping on my bed…as I came up the hallway saying stop hunny thats not safe, he bounced at a funny angle and came down on a cupboard that was close to the bed (tiny fucking house) and hit a corner right on his cheekbone….the sound was nauseating…and the impact caused the base of his eye socket to basically explode…thats the plate of bone that keeps your eyeball from sliding back into your head…..he was quite out of it….I ran him to the car grabbing hubby on the way and screaming to my parents who were about to leave from a visit that they needed to stay for a while cause we were on the way to hospital…we were transfered to a larger hospital by ambo…me in my nightie cause it was morning and bare feel…hairy legs moved so fast I forgot his dummy so he wouldnt settle…they had to give him truckloads of sedative to make him settle to get a head xray, then surgery….9 hours of walking around in circles holding him to try and calm him enough for those sedatives to knock hiim out..no shoes old daggy worn out nighty and hairy legs…I must have looked like the mother from hell…but I walked around and around gently making the shhhhh shhhhhh sound …once he did and they got the x rays and took him from my arms to operate I couldnt straighten my arms out..once home all the bruising came up from the surgery he looked like he had been in a bad bar fight…poor bugger..it was amazing how many judgemental looks I got. and also how many individuals who didnt know me gave me support…I saw the best and worst of people in those couple of days..I was the time I smelt the worst too…with no access to deodorant or a shower or anything for quite a while…omg did the first shower feel good.

  2. Profile photo of Becky Bee
    Becky Bee 7 months ago

    Yes, yes and yes.. except for the stuff part I was more like ‘A new pram costs HOW MUCH!?’ but I was pretty lucky with the hand me down side of things. We’ve got baby #2 on the way and I hope I can move onto the #nofucks phase sooner rather than later!

    • Profile photo of Kittypuss
      Kittypuss 7 months ago

      I also looked at the baby stuff and thought “They want HOW MUCH? For THAT?” And I’m definitely already at the #nofucks stage already (due any day with my first). We bought our pram second-hand, and bought a nursing chair third-hand from friends, and almost everything else is second-hand gifts – mostly from my husband’s family. Closet, bookshelf, table for changes – all repurposed furniture we already had. I think the only new things we bought were a change pad, mattress protectors, a couple of sheets, and some cheap cloth nappies (we’ll see how they go). Of course friends and family have bought some new stuff for us because they couldn’t help themselves, but not a lot. The baby business is getting a tad ridiculous.

  3. Profile photo of Amie
    Amie 7 months ago

    So much yes! I am a much less anxious, stressed mom now after having my fourth child and learning that these are things no Queen should give a single fuck about.
    A designer nursery full of over-priced, impractical, pointless gadgets doesn’t make a perfect parent. More isn’t always better and can easily become too much, or even create added stress. Stuff isn’t how children learn to be kind, compassionate, confident or valued. A queen’s mom status isn’t elevated or enhanced by the amount of stuff you cram into your child’s life. A queen knows that her time, her attention, her love, her affection, her effort and her presence are all priceless and no stuff, regardless of the expense, could ever compare to what the queen herself can provide simply by being the queen she is. Besides, there is pretty solid evidence that creativity, ingenuity, and problem solving are enhanced when resources (stuff) are limited. Therefore, less stuff provides opportunities to for queens to have valuable learning experiences with their children which benefit both the queen and her littles.
    Not all advice is good advice, and no one feels particularly queenly whilst being told they are ignorant, inadequate, or inept in some way. Our egos aren’t too fond of criticism in general and unsolicited advice that causes a queen to question or doubt herself as a parent is especially frustrating. Mom queens are already overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility of raising another human (“the hardest job there is” as they say) and the last thing we need is to be reminded of our shortcomings by having random, often unfamiliar, people advising us on how best to parent our children. However, humans tend to want to feel important, needed, and respected and some achieve that by trying to appear knowledgeable, wise or experienced. Unsolicited advice is more about giving the advisor an ego boost than bashing the advised. Its best to just smile, say thanks and straighten your crown with confidence because #youreaqueen
    Humans are social animals and most don’t thrive in isolation, but a social life is only an asset when it benefits you and that requires being selective about your participation by ensuring that those relationships and experiences are positive, supportive and of good quality that they have real value. A queen should never have to feel like a loser because she was busy showing up for the important shit and being a fucking queen. Queens know that those once in a lifetime moments are worth being present for and that is exactly why they are queens.
    A queen should never be afraid of women. Unfortunately judgement is a thing and is a harsh reality in human societies. All women have a queen within and support and encouragement are essential in helping women see themselves for glorious queens that they are. There is strength in unity and no queen deserves to feel as if she isn’t part of the sisterhood. A queen needs other queens in her life, not because she is inadequate on her own, but because queens remind each other how great they are and how many different ways there are to be a successful queen, even if you haven’t managed to wash your face or straighten your crown because just being the amazing queen you are has left you without a moment to look in the mirror and give a fuck about the shit in your hair or the stubble on your legs.

  4. Profile photo of Kate Crosby
    Kate Crosby 7 months ago

    “4) My first baby I feared other women, by the forth I knew I wouldn’t survive without them.” This is perfect, my favorite one. Why is it so hard to remember that other women are not our enemies?

  5. Profile photo of Lulu
    Lulu 7 months ago

    I had the new stuff, not the super dupper out of space expensive designer stuff (my baby’s clothes were all hand me downs or from the Salvos), just new and “I am the original owner” shiny. But that didn’t help me the least. Didn’t help me to be able to breastfeed or settle my newborn. I ended up with a PND in a mother and baby unit. 8 weeks I spent there with nurses who didn’t give rat’s ass about me. Don’t get me wrong, I met with a team of a nurse, psychologist and a psychiatrist every morning – even after we all established beyond reasonable doubt that the TV is not talking to me nor am I thinking of hurting myself or my baby. But that didn’t help. No one tried to help with the one thing I needed – learning how to settle my baby so I can sleep too. 1 hour of sleep in every 24 hours tends to mess you up and sort of melt your brain.
    So it wasn’t long until I lost it and started swearing at the stuff (I was lucky they didn’t transfer me across the hall with the truly crazy people like they did with another mom). That’s what it took for Mary – an overly bored nurse at the Austin hospital here in Melbourne – decided to get off her ass and help me. What do you know. Turned out I wasn’t such a terrible mom after all, I just needed some practical “stay with me and show me” time.
    Then I learned how to fight my anxieties that my daughter will die of SIDS or whooping caught or something else just as bad. I actually have a very good reason for those fears: when I got pregnant a well wishing coworker asked me if I would have more. I was halfway through my first pregnancy at the not so tender age of 36 and after a miscarriage so I said no, I have no plans for more (turns out I am one of those SELFISH parents that stop after one). Anyway, the coworker looked at me in horror and explained that I should go for 2 (at least) as if I only had one and something happened to that child, I’d “have nothing to fall onto”. I laughed it off at the time but once she was born I was a mess. I still am at times. I cry every time there is a child abduction on Criminal Minds or Law and Order. My husband doesn’t understand why I watch those but I want to know of all the evil in the world and be prepared. I am strange like that.
    When my daughter was born I isolated myself until she had her whooping caught shot. I told my friends that if they wanted to come and see me (and the baby), they needed to get the shot. Only one did. One that had no children. The one that I least expected. She is the one I would do anything for. What she did still makes me cry so yes, we do need other moms and need them badly.
    I have been back to work now for 2 years. I decide to tell my manager about my depression just in case. Imagine my disappointment when one day while having discussion he said “if I say no, will I make you cry?”. He didn’t make me cry but he made me yell. I yelled so much that he asked me to close the door. I apologised for my outburst after that but the damage was done. Pre child I was the golden child that walked on water. Needless to say that post child (and post depression outbursts) I have not been given any opportunities. I was even called a “liability” during my PDP discussion.
    So here is what I think – all this talk about mental illness and support is bullshit. I have had no support at work and what I have had outside, I found or did myself.
    I know it’s a bit off topic but these are the things I hated after birth. I am still learning not to give shit but it’s hard. It’s good to read posts like that because they show me that I am not alone and my fears and failures are shared by other moms.
    I am an awesome mom and my daughter is awesome and so is my supportive husband. I AM a queen ☺

  6. Profile photo of Chantelle
    Chantelle 7 months ago

    You speak with such on honesty with so much as to what every other mother would only wish to say out loud, i am only a new mother my little bub is 3 months but i really relate to everything you say. You are a Queen!

  7. Profile photo of Sam
    Sam 6 months ago

    It’s women like you that make me a lot less scared to pop out the little human I’m currently 14 weeks into the cooking of. First timer here and so bloody confused by all the STUFF and advice I’m already getting. Biggest fear is that I’ll lose myself, but you give me so much hope! So glad I found your blog, I need to sort mine out ASAP. Fingers crossed I too can be a Queen x

  8. Profile photo of Cristina
    Cristina 6 months ago

    i never fear mothers but as a single mother, i never had time to take part in coffee groups because i had to go back to work when maternity leave ended. so i am a lonely mother. my daughter and i are each others company at weekends. which is good… but i had no other mother to talk about preschoolers issues or she has other kids to play with at weekends (during the week she has lots of kids to play at daycare).

  9. Profile photo of Phillipa
    Phillipa 5 months ago

    I learnt pretty damn quick with my 1st….advice is suggestions (except for when the crazy plunket nazi’s, who tell you what a crappy mother you are, because your not following there specific GUIDLINES) you can take all the advice, even if it contridicts another, mix it altogether and come out of it that works for you! My 1/3 has an extremely rare syndrome. What worked for “normal” babies did not count in my boys’ raising. So when I was constantly hassled, about not feeding my boy solids at 2years. They got a thats fine. But your not the one repeatedly doing the hyminic manovour on him. Give him an apple I will meet you down in A&E! I guess thats when I started to become a passive/aggressive. Go get fucked Mum. Zero fucks given…. I broke all the “best parent'”s rule’s. All my boy’s were formula feed -that doe’s not go without saying BF wasn’t an option #1 was physically unable EBM for 4 weeks #2 was BF for 3 months to fuck with that after 3months sucking off me 24/7 reflux baby #3 health wise was advised to put him on formula EBM for 4mths, BF 3 weeks (extremly prem)unfortuantly for him “breast was not best” 2/3 were given dummies both for medical reasons. 1 had his bottle in bed and 2/3 slept on their tummies. I was fully judged for all my “bad parent” choices. Zero fucks given. They worked when nothing else did! Mum and baby were happy, healthy and content oh and Alive. Anyway’s you can take all those suggestions and toss the lot aside to find what works for you all.

    This is why I signed up and follow you on facey all you Queens are the most realist mummas I’v come across! Wish social media was around with my 1st son. Fuck knows, I needed the realist mumma support back then. keep up the fab job a Queenies!!!! #keepinitreal

  10. Profile photo of Meg Johnson
    Meg Johnson 5 months ago

    From a first time mummy to a 7 month old little boy… thankyou. Thankyou for inspiring me in everything you post. I love that you sugar coat nothing and completely say it how it is. You are all such amazing down to earth non judgemental mummies and such amazing QUEENS!

  11. Profile photo of Petra Della-torre
    Petra Della-torre 4 months ago

    The thermomix part! Spot on!! That is sooo me!!!

  12. Profile photo of Melissa
    Melissa 4 months ago

    I can so relate, especially to the unasked advice!
    1st time mum to a 2 month old boy..
    every time we meet with family not once have we left without hearing what We’re doing wrong and what We should do better! (Especially from the older generation)
    They just can’t put it through their heads that how we feed our son, how we put him to sleep, how we play with him etc are all mine and hubbies decision!
    They don’t get that what worked for them 30 years ago doesn’t work for our baby,
    And that since then research has been made and what was right then is now discovered not to be the best way!
    How can they tell me to ignore the nurse at the health centre and listen to them?!
    And when will they put it through their thick skulls that every baby is different so what works with one doesn’t work with another?
    Now we have just learned to ignore them and do what works for us!

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