The Highs and Lows

Becoming a stay at home mum was originally a dream come true.

highs-and-lows

Bill worked really hard so that I didn’t have to, sure we had to make pretty huge sacrifices, I couldn’t fly off to Melbourne every time that I heard there was a mass gathering of homosexualΒ  lords doing cocaine off each other’s chests, but I had my children and I didn’t have to put them in day care anymore to go and cut hair for $22 an hour.

So why was I so unhappy? All I had ever wanted while working was to quit my job and spend more time with my kids, now I have got everything I’ve ever wanted and I was even more miserable.

One of my friends suggested that it could be depression – we all have one of those unqualified friends who likes to diagnose everyone around them, “you must have depression, I think your son has Autism, oh her daughter is definitely ADHD, she just doesn’t know it yet” πŸ’πŸ”«

So off I trotted to blurt out all my issues to my GP who gazed back at me with this huge “first world problems” look on his face.

Yeah I can totally understand that, when he’s used to breaking the news to patients about terminal illnesses and here I am telling him that “I hated working and now I hate not working and I just have no zest for motherhood and my husband definitely doesn’t appreciate my glory anymore and I’m so saggy and my fanny hurts and….”



But here’s my problem with the “first world problems” argument.. If it’s important to someone, if someone is miserable, comparing their problems to those living in a drought, or those surviving in a war zone will only make them more miserable, miserable over whatever is getting them down and now ashamed over their own misery. One thing I do know is that you will not end world hunger by making miserable people feel ashamed about themselves.

The doctor concluded that I wasn’t clinically depressed, just miserable.

So I was left on my own to discover why.

Parenting is the most rewarding job in the world.. In hindsight, on a daily basis the rewards are minimal.

Before, when I was working I felt valued, I would have conversations about everything, I was contributing financially so I didn’t need to explain every cent I spent, people gave two fucks about my opinions, MY VOICE COUNTED, the only thing my opinion has seemed to count now is bath temperature and whether or not the babies shit is a healthy consistency on the odd occasion that someone else is actually changing it.

Some days leaving the house is too hard, I clean the house, it’s fucked again in 2 minutes, Bill asks fuck brain questions like “what have you done all day?” I feel like answering with “I shot up 2 grams of heroine and fucked the neighbour” what does he think I did all god damn day.

But then the reward comes; the smiles, the giggles, the “you’re the best mum”, an interesting story straight out of a 4 year old’s imagination, a merit award for kindness.

The reward’s worth more than millions, but you don’t get to choose when they come to you, they’re random and hit you when you least expect them, just when you are feeling so unaccomplished, so exhausted, so “what the fuck is the point in doing another load of washing when a toddler is only going to pull off his nappy and piss on another pillow” BAM a reward flies out of nowhere and Ninja kicks you in the head with a huge big….

“I love you so much mum”

Don’t ever feel ashamed for not loving every second of it.

It might not be the dream come true but most of us wouldn’t change it for the world.πŸ˜˜πŸ‘‘πŸ‘ŠπŸΌ

πŸ’—Con

30 Comments
  1. Profile photo of Nichie
    Nichie 11 months ago

    I had exactly the same delima and when my husband left I was pushed back into the work force and study.
    I forgot how hard it was until Xmas holidays this year.. my guilt of not being at home with my kids was eating away at me.
    I decided to take 3 weeks off and have my 3 children under 5 (had 3 under 3)..
    Honestly I have no idea how my children and I came put of that alive.
    I spent a years worth of holidays just to go clinically insane..
    And now months into my new degree l, 50 hours slogging it in uni let tyres and 40 hours working as a nurse.. plus solo parenting it..
    I’m back to the anxiety and guilt faze of not being there for my kids.. but then by the end of the weekend I’m ready to put them in a cardboard box with a free to good home sign..

    My new partner (been dating for 2 years) is now talking about moving in together, marriage and babies are on the agenda for him..
    Bit I just can’t get into the idea of being trapped at home again.. I’d actually die

  2. Profile photo of F_ima_Queen
    F_ima_Queen 11 months ago

    Not the best post I have read. I’m honestly not being rude it’s a topic you have mentioned a few times now…It was short and blunt. #sorrynotsorry I’m a avid reader of your posts and I get you don’t blog over the weekends so Monday’s post should be a big juicy blog post, original & thoughtful.

    • Profile photo of Micaela
      Micaela 11 months ago

      Interesting your comment of “I’m honestly not being rude”, it’s kind of up there with “No offense, but” – you may not have intended to be rude, but it’s not really up to you whether or not Constance found it rude!

    • Profile photo of saggytitts
      saggytitts 11 months ago

      were telling thw Queen what she should write about now?

      I enjoyed it.

      • Profile photo of F_ima_Queen
        F_ima_Queen 11 months ago

        Saggy titre, she is getting paid to write now. I am allowed to express my view. As for the ladies who all ganged up on me. It was not meant to be rude, its a over used topic.
        As to your Queen that way, saggy titts you know I can say what I feel. It what it’s all aboit isn’t it?!

    • Profile photo of Sam
      Sam 11 months ago

      Maybe she is busy, I dunno, looking after her kids, running a home? Your comments are right up there with “What have you done all day?”

    • Profile photo of JILLYBEAN
      JILLYBEAN 11 months ago

      Does every blog post have to be the best one? She’s blogging about feeling inadequate…. Nice of you to cement that feeling!

    • Profile photo of Alikelylass
      Alikelylass 11 months ago

      Is that criticism supposed to be some sort of ironic sick joke? If so it’s really not funny.

    • Profile photo of Flawless
      Flawless 11 months ago

      F_Ima_Queen of COURSE you didn’t mean to be rude, you’re just telling Constance how you feel, yes? Well here’s how I feel: you’re a rude cunt. That’s no crown on your head, that’s a penis.

  3. Profile photo of Charlei ⭐️
    Charlei ⭐️ 11 months ago

    A to the men! I’ve recently gone back to work, only a few night shifts a week just to be me again not mum 24/7. I had to find the balance to fill my bucket

  4. Profile photo of Micaela
    Micaela 11 months ago

    I can definitely relate to this post! Before my son was born I thought there was no way I’d want to go back to work any time soon. A year in and I desperately needed to get some time to myself, and wanted to get back into the work place. A few months later and I’m at a happy compromise where I can pick and choose the contract work I do, and I am enjoying (mostly) the time I spend at home. This morning my 15month old boy took my face between his hands and kissed me. Made it all worth it.

    P.S. I freaking adore you! πŸ˜€

  5. Profile photo of Liss
    Liss 11 months ago

    I love everything you write; whether I agree or not! I love that your opinions are honest. It’s so refreshing and makes for a great read. Can’t wait for when you get a book deal! I’m certain it will happen!
    Never change!

  6. Profile photo of CjansEjmumma
    CjansEjmumma 11 months ago

    Omfg yes yes yes!
    I love what you right Con you are always honest straight to the point and couldn’t give 2 fucks what everyone else thinks!
    Good on you Queen!
    Can’t wait for your book cause I’m going to buy it!
    XXX

  7. Profile photo of Julia
    Julia 11 months ago

    Being a working Mum is no fun either as you are effectively doing 2 fulltime jobs. I have been a stay-at-home Mum and now work 30 hours a week to supplement the family income. Plus I suffered PND with number 2 and it sucks!! Worse when you are told that it is all in the head. That is also right up the with ‘what did you do all day’ It is so comforting to know that there are others out there in cyber world that ‘get it’ but it is the ones close to you the need to ‘get it’ Thats what really matters. But sonetimes they don’t Hears cheers to fellow Queens.

  8. Profile photo of Cat
    Cat 11 months ago

    I def needed to see this I’m currently laying on the couch willing myself to get off my arse and scrub the bathrooms but the same thing keeps running though my head, who the fuck will even notice or care of day thank you. Certainly not the 7 month old and def not the husband. But out of love and ur post I will now get off my arse and actually do it. Thanks con!

    P.s to the bitch who posted second.. Um rude much! Go join baby club sounds like more ur scene. πŸ˜‡

  9. Profile photo of QueenMother
    QueenMother 11 months ago

    It’s amazing when your day has been nothing but shit…. and then that one little thing just explodes over you and wraps you in warm fuzzy πŸ˜€

  10. Profile photo of Merelyn
    Merelyn 11 months ago

    Thanks for making us feel less alone Constance.
    One interesting thing someone pointed out to me the other day that I think is worth sharing is about ‘first world problems’. The term suggests that people living in the third world don’t care about anything other than survival. It suggests that people living in poverty don’t care about how they look, or about being happy, or about, as you state, painful fannies ;). It’s actually a bit insulting! I’d never thought about it like that before but after thinking about it I no longer use the expression ‘third world problems’. Thought you might find it an interesting perspective too :).
    Lots of love from privileged south Australia xx

  11. Profile photo of Shanny
    Shanny 11 months ago

    You are a fucking super star!! Just when I was feeling like all of the above!! Yet again, you save the day :))))))

  12. Profile photo of Alex Tapp
    Alex Tapp 11 months ago

    Hi Constance,

    I’ve only discovered you on FB recently so am pretty new to your army of followers. Every one of your articles resonates with me and makes me laugh my head off and just … feel understood. You are wonderful! I have felt JUST LIKE THIS so often.

    Thank you for sharing xx

  13. Profile photo of caroline seguin
    caroline seguin 11 months ago

    The thing that made me the most angry about all this is when a hubby ask a mommy : what do you do all day? That my friend is just no respect or complete ignorance for never having to do it (take care of 4 kids and house and food) more then a few days in a row. I suggest that you put your “What did you do all day husband” in charge by himself with the four kids for a week (food, clean up, diapers, etc..). And just take off. It’s important that he understand and most men just don’t. You can’t get it if you’ve never done it. That’s what pisses me off. Also, your doctor pisses my off. You don’t have a depression, you’re just miserable? Fuck him. Seek a second opinion. I know that with my anti-depressive medication I’m doing much better. Has this doctor been in charge of feeding, taking care of, cleaning etc by himself the whole day for 4 kids, day after day after day? No? I didn’t think so. You need some vacation once in a while. You know, just time for yourself. And more importantly you need positive feedback from your husband. Like you do for him. I’ve read you when give him positive feedback saying : thanks to my wonderful hubby who works so hard for us, and provide for us. Yes that’s true. But I hope he would see that you do AS MUCH as he does. And hearing it from him once in a while makes a world difference. Respect, that’s one thing you need from him, respect for the enormous work you do keeping sane with 4 children. Myself, I think you’re amazing!!!

  14. Profile photo of Rhuddi
    Rhuddi 11 months ago

    I’m at home with four boys aged between 3 and 12. Three are at school from nine til three but one is home all the time. It’s a busy life. The washing pile is consistently bigger than me. The dirty dishes appear over the house like magic. The amount of cleaning always suprises me because I try to conquer it by the minute. When they come home from school my feet often don’t touch the ground til after 10pm. I haven’t slept thru a full night in 12 years, except the week I was in hospital with pneumonia and they drugged me to sleep. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD after years of being raped and abused by an uncle when I was small. ( I hid that away for over 20 years but it escaped from its box when I least expected it). Sometimes to leave the house is as hard for me as it would be to climb Everest.
    Yesterday I expressed concern to my headteacher husband that I worried for the future, because I gave up my teaching career, (due to all of the above)and I won’t have a pension. I don’t know how I’ll cope when the time comes. I’m in receipt of incapacity benefit, ( again, from the afore mentioned) because my husband keeps his money to himself after paying the bills, and wouldn’t help me financially when I fell to pieces.
    He told me I better go and find a job.
    I’m just wondering who will get up thru the night with a boy who has night terrors. Who will prepare them for school. Who will take them. Who will look after the little one all day. Who will shop, cook, clean…
    Husband hasn’t even hoovered in the 14 years of marriage …. Never got up with the boys when they needed it. Never bathed them. Never taken them to a party, or to school…. Even when there was two of them and I worked part time, never did he help with any thing other than that which was for himself. And I turned myself inside out to keep up with everything. So I’m wondering how will I fit in a full time job, with all of the above, and because of all of the above…
    What did you do all day?
    I thought about killing myself.
    That’s what I did all day today.
    (Once I’d finished most of the domesticated goddess type tasks that apparently go unnoticed, naturally).

    • Profile photo of Rhuddi
      Rhuddi 11 months ago

      Ps I won’t kill myself because the children love me.

    • Profile photo of Evie77
      Evie77 11 months ago

      I’m new to this site, but your post stood out to me. Hang on in there lovely lady. Sorry if I’m speaking out of term ,but your husband sounds like a massive tool. Love and hugs being sent to you xxxx

      • Profile photo of Rhuddi
        Rhuddi 11 months ago

        I’m beginning to think you’re right. I had four c sections and after each one I still got up thru the night ( with difficulty) to see to the babies. He had a sore toe nail yesterday and couldn’t get his own cup of tea. I know it shouldn’t b tit for tat but if have liked to throw that tea over him. πŸ™‚
        Thank you x x

  15. Profile photo of Evie77
    Evie77 11 months ago

    I can so relate to this and after a really crappy weekend it helped to remember I’m not alone. I too was so lucky that my husband worked really hard so that I could be the one to stay at home with our girls (we have 4). When my husband and I got married (he’s not the biological dad to our eldest 2), we wished so many times that we had met sooner and got the chance to spend more time together…..be careful what you wish for. Two weeks after we got married, my husband became ill, not able to work anymore ill and now he’s at home full time……not the fairytale I had dreamed it would be!!! So now, I am stay at home mum to 4 girls and carer for my husband and it drives me crazy some days and then I fell sooooo guilty and the vicious circle goes round and round. I got a few hours work each week a while back, while all girls were at school or daycare, thinking it would help me feel more ‘whole’….nope, made me feel like shit as the housework piled up and OMG I turned into a man, I came home from work and my hubby hadn’t dusted like I would and I could feel the comment inside me “what have you been doing?!” WTF, how the hell did that happen, total reversal and I felt so awful that I quit my job. I love being a stay at home mum, I just wish there wasn’t so much pressure and guilt involved. Much love everyone and have a fab week xx

    • Profile photo of Rhuddi
      Rhuddi 11 months ago

      I’m sending you hugs too. I read your story and I should count my blessings. Lots of love. X x x

  16. Profile photo of Daniela
    Daniela 11 months ago

    fuck, it’s like I just read my life and EXACTLY WHAT IM FEELING. I went to the doctor last week thinking I was feeling miserable but told my hubby I was just getting a check up, bloods etc. when I got there and sat in the chair I just started crying!!! Wtf I just went in for a health check. Now she wants to put me on a mental health plan πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I actually felt better just crying to a stranger.
    I was I flight attendant for 17 yrs and took voluntary redundancy two years ago so I could stay at home and be with my 4 babies. I wanted to be a stay at home mother, so WHY do I feel like this. I grow my own veggies, have chooks even a goat, I wanted it, also have an awesome hubby. Oh well I feel better just writing this xxx

  17. Profile photo of Beach loving mama
    Beach loving mama 11 months ago

    I am a realist too and I just want to go to the shopping centre with my toddler without her making a fool out of me every time we go and me looking like an angry/bitchy mummy. I don’t have a hands on daddy and therefore, most of the hard stuff is left for me to do. I have only 1 CHILD. How do all you other mothers do it???!!!! with more than 1. I am an older mummy, i birthed my daughter when i turned 38 and she’s 2 now. Doing it at 40 i thought i would be all wise and shit and im no more wise when she’s having a temper tantrum at the shops, no more wise about her tactics to manipulate me into our bed every single night. NO MORE WISE at 40 and i’m finding this parenting thing tough. People keep saying to me ‘oh’ you just need to have another one so that your daughter has someone to play with. Then ill have 2 little human beings that i have noo control over lol. Oh i know they are cute too. Great seeing all your stories and challenges mummies. Thank you πŸ™‚

  18. Profile photo of Mummabear
    Mummabear 10 months ago

    So I’ve cried alot as I read this blog and many others as I know I’m not alone in how I feel.
    Stay at home depression is what I call it. But now I’m back at work part time and im struggling with guilt.!! What kind of mum am I ? Im definitely not mum of the year! But my husband takes the cake the whole fking cake in dad of the year status!! Arghhhhhh 😭

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