Eating out with the Turds

I am obviously no food critic, the menus of posh restaurants look like The Da Vinci code to me, I waste far too much time googling the meaning of every item.


What I am a good critic of is the “kid friendliness” of a venue.

I don’t mind when a restaurant isn’t kid friendly, the fine dining types, the ones with the invisible “fuck you and fuck your kids” signs out the front. I obviously steer well away.

It’s the ones that claim to be child friendly but are run by non child friendly arseholes who stalk your children waiting for them to behave like children so that they can “win” and gleefully tell you that you are a failure. They are the ones I have issues with.

When I broke up with Bill a couple of years ago I moved into a rental with my 2 kids, times were tough but I was determined not to be defeated particularly by Arlo who had just turned 2.

One day we strolled down to the local Italian restaurant, feeling all sexy and milf like, took the kids in and sat them down, paid the $2 each for some colouring in packs and ordered us all pasta.

Only the kids couldn’t get enough room on the table so they took their colouring to the corner on the floor..

Enter mole unqueenly waitress whom was ecstatic to see “rules” being broken.

“Umm excuse me, your kids aren’t allowed to colour in on the floor….”

Ok, then. The fun sponge has spoken, I politely asked my children to come back to the table..

They both said “no”

Waitress beamed with excitement.

I told the kids that they won’t get Ice-cream after dinner if they don’t do what I asked, they continue to ignore me.

Billie-Violet decided she wanted Arlo’s colouring in, she snatched it. He screamed at her and pulled her hair, she sat on him and got him in a head lock.

I got my milf arse off my chair and picked her up still swinging punches and pleaded with her, she agreed to stop, meanwhile Arlo had gone outside, grabbed his scooter and was hooning through the restaurant, high fiving some, crashing into others.

The waitress nearly orgasmed she was so excited about judging me for this.

I moved us to a table outside and managed to suffer through my pasta in record speed amongst the chaos.

Went into pay and obviously the waitress was so relaxed after climaxing over watching my milf-like sexy single mother self fail that she actually didn’t even notice I was standing there and I overheard her saying to her fellow rude bitch fun-spongeย “it was like a scene out of a film, one feral was holding the other feral down, shit was going everywhere, the mum didn’t even ..”

I interrupted,

“it’s usual protocol to wait until customers have left the building before bitching about them”

After sex glow promptly left mole face’s face.

Deflated I walked home with my homies. Not feeling like a capable sexy Queenie anymore.

Now, fast forward a month. Bill and I are trying to resolve our difference, we were driving through the city and spontaneously thought we should go out for dinner, I had always wanted to try Jamie Oliver’s new restaurant ‘Jamies’ yet could never get a table, tried our luck..

There was a line, waiting patiently I watched as the kids began mission “fuck up everyone’s night” and started pole dancing on the balustrades. A shiver ran down my spine, some horny waitress is about to get her rocks off on making me feel like shit..

I raced over to them and just as I was about to began negotiations a waitress interrupts me, I instantly put forth my guards until I heard the following words spill out of her mouth

“Excuse me, please don’t feel that you need to control the kids, at Jamies we are very pro children behaving like children, you just relax and enjoy your evening”

I quickly put my sunglassss on, I really didn’t need this Queen seeing the tears of joy streaming down my face at this small yet powerful act of kindness. I had been so fucking starved of kindness.

We didn’t eat there in the end, the line was too long and to be honest I still haven’t gotten around to trying the place, but I get a very special slightly sexual tingly feeling when I hear Jamie Oliver’s lisp on TV now, just knowing that at Jamies there is a waitress who gives no fucks about my Rad-kids and their spirited dining habits completes me.

No orgasms over my social failures in sight.

Well played Jamie.

๐Ÿ’— Con


  1. Profile photo of QueenGabby
    QueenGabby 12 months ago

    This is hilarious!!

  2. Profile photo of Brittany Jayne
    Brittany Jayne 12 months ago

    Ahh haha I love it ..The fun sponge classic that is such a great title for people like that!!

  3. Profile photo of Queen of goodies
    Queen of goodies 12 months ago

    Your amazing con, thank you for being honest and giving us the power to feel strong about ourselvels.

  4. Profile photo of Kat
    Kat 12 months ago

    My kids once closed a resterant the owner was obviously over it but the kids were ‘kids’ and not the placid type. But as we left we apologised sorry trying to keep them under control… Owners reply TRY HARDER!!!! I was upset determined never to return but he shut the place the next day….

  5. Profile photo of Nicki
    Nicki 12 months ago

    Oh we need a list of not so child friendly places… We could take our kids there for a special evening

  6. Profile photo of Crystal Taylor
    Crystal Taylor 12 months ago

    hells yeah Con, fuck the fun sponges!

  7. Profile photo of Fiona
    Fiona 12 months ago

    Can’t believe people think they got to be adults without being kids!
    That facebook post
    Once upon a time I was the perfect parent,then I had a kid

  8. Profile photo of WorkingMummyChronicles
    WorkingMummyChronicles 12 months ago

    hahah this is hilarious! I’ve only been once at Jamie’s Italian (im from from perth too) and i had my 5month old then baby. While they say they are child-friendly, they certainly made me look like a turd for trying to squeeze in my pram because I didn’t say I had a pram the size of Russia. well they actually said my pram was too big! So i am yet to bring my now 2 yr old and test the child-friendliness of it!

    When you go, try their burger! Ditch the pasta ๐Ÿ˜‰


  9. Profile photo of Stacey
    Stacey 12 months ago

    You can be assured that the server wasn’t the only person talking about your children’s awful behavior. Teaching children how to behave in certain situations is your job as their mother.

    Sitting on the a restaurant floor…..that is beyond gross.

    Letting your children disrupt other people’s meals….rude.

    Yes I was a child; and my parent’s expected me to behave in a restaurant….a restaurant is not a jungle gym.

    If your child ended up getting hurt because they are running around the restaurant who’s fault would it be? YOURS!!

  10. Profile photo of Stacey
    Stacey 12 months ago

    Being a child friendly place does not mean your children need to act like monkeys at the zoo.

  11. Profile photo of Lilee
    Lilee 12 months ago

    I am a waitress and mother, I adore children. I feel like parents today need to remember the golden rule do unto others as you would have them do unto you we are required to do many things in the food service industry but it gets a little ridiculous to have to dodge little darlings playing on the floor when juggling hot food or running through the restaurant or riding scooters cleaning up ridiculous amounts of food that people let their babies throw on the floor. I would never bring my children to your house or your place of work and let them act like this instead of writing a blog post about how not fun the server was maybe you should put yourself in her shoes these are her children she doesn’t work in a preschool she shouldn’t have to be subjected to this kind of behavior while she’s trying to do her job not much all the other customers that she probably had to apologize to while they said “how do you let this go on” as if it’s her fault that your children were acting this way you were probably the type of mom they would have been ecstatic if the server would have sat on the floor and colored with your children and entertain them so that you could enjoy your meal like the Queen that you think that you are. It amazes me how entitled parents are today just because you love your children no matter what does not mean that others should be impressed by your behavior so when you let your children act out of hand you will be talked about by others don’t be surprised. The polite thing to do when you go out to eat and your children are having a bad day, it’s happened to me, is you get your food to go!

  12. Profile photo of Jenna
    Jenna 12 months ago

    This reeks of bad parenting. You are putting your children in danger by letting them run around and play on the floor in a restaurant! You should thank that server for getting them up off the floor, because people carrying large trays filled with glass and hot things could trip over them. Also, no one else but you signed up for your hell-spawn, so if they can’t behave, they shouldn’t be out in public ruining other people’s dinners. Truly shameful! That server was entirely right to do what she did, and I’m surprised that no one else said worse to your face.

  13. Profile photo of saggytitts
    saggytitts 12 months ago

    just wow to so many judgy comments, I too worked in hospitality, before I even had children I felt nothing but compassion for parents I could see the withered look on their face, desperate for just one hot meal they didnt have to scrape together themselves, desperate for just one moment of adult time, all the while trying to cope with kids. My instinct was not to judge but to be of as much assistance as possible, to make them feel valued and as important as any other customer, and I always understood that it was my job, if there wastn a seperate clean up person, to clean up after every customer, including the children, I am now a mother of four, and we never go out in fact we have eaten out as a family only a handful of times and the youngest is 8 mostly cause I simply didnt have the strength to deal with what I saw most having to go through.

  14. Profile photo of Amelia
    Amelia 12 months ago

    Have you ever had a job in your life? From your posts (I haven’t read them all) it seems that you’re fairly out of touch with the working class, which is a shame and never something to be proud of. You create this crazy (like you probably need therapy) drama out of these servers getting off on telling you that you should control your children when -in real life- they absolutely hate coaching you to be a proper parent. That’s not part of their job description and they have much better things to do than focus on you and your children. They’re not nannies. If your children cannot stay in their seats and eat their food like civilized human beings then take a hint and keep them at home (or better yet…spend actual quality time with them and teach them how to behave). You need to focus more on your kids’ character development and less on how hot and sexy you think you look. And coming from a woman about your age… Referring to yourself as a MILF is not attractive…to either sex. It comes off as desperate and sad.

  15. Profile photo of Marsha mom1st
    Marsha mom1st 12 months ago

    Hey you, super queen Constance, let the bitches bitch! I for one think that some of the comments are written by the same sad person.. Raise your kids the way you want to and more importantly the way that fits their personalitys. The people who bitch don’t read between the lines, they don’t see you needed a break and a pick me up, having broken up with Bill at the time. Needed a ‘i can do this’ moment. Unfortunatly the waitress didn’t pick up on that.. Oh and being a milf is like my goal haha nothing wrong with that, for a woman to still feel attractive after becoming a mom. I think you are very brave beeing this open and make yourself vulnerable for stupid comments. Hope you focus on the love from your fellow queens! Tip my crown to you |^^^|

    • Profile photo of MommaMistie
      MommaMistie 12 months ago

      Why should everyone else in the world suffer because she had a bad day? Maybe he dumped her ass for not taking care of the kids… I hope your just as supportive when her blog it’s about the burns her child suffered when this evil server trips over one of her kids and spills 4 hot teas on the other one while she takes a friggin break.

  16. Profile photo of Debbie
    Debbie 12 months ago

    I noticed someone called it Hilarious , really ? I bet they wouldn’t think it funny if they had to work around that chaos.. I am a mom and I have had some bad experiences when I was out with kids , and unless they were tired babies , there were consequences to their behavior not just empty threats , one would thin that the kids were just having a bad night except the next time you were out at a restaurant basically the same thing happened , so that tells me your just a lazy aren’t who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else and how that kind of behavior effects other people in a restaurant ,, My advice would be just order a pizza or bring dinner home in a bag from somewhere , I feel sorry for your kids , because when they are with other children or around other adults , its them that will look bad and wont have the faintest idea what s acceptable , so instead of putting the blame where it belongs ..with you , your children will take the blame..nice

  17. Profile photo of Anna Rockt
    Anna Rockt 12 months ago

    Wow Ladies! What happend?
    I am pretty sure the story would be absolutely hilarious if it was told from the waitress point of view too!

    Con, I love you! For being an honest and fun human being, not taking yourself and the rest of the world so goddamn serious…
    I have been working in the tourism-business for 18 years now and I know how parents and children can suck BIG time… and, as a mother, I know how people working there can suck BIG time too….!

    There are always two sides of a story and if we would take each other and ourselves a little less serious, we could all have much more fun living together, instead of pointing out what he or she is doing bad or “wrong”…!

    Rock On Queenies!

    • Profile photo of Sherry
      Sherry 12 months ago

      I guarantee that the story told from the server’s side would not be “hilarious.”

      Seriously…is the sky blue in your world too?

      There is nothing hilarious about two yard apes being turned loose in a restaurant to wreak whatever havoc their little minds can devise. Adulting is hard; parenting is even harder. If you don’t feel up to the challenge, don’t have kids. Period.

      If you need a break, hire a babysitter, IF you can find one willing to deal with the monsters you’ve created.

  18. Profile photo of mssullivan1980
    mssullivan1980 12 months ago

    I am also a server and a mother of 3 wild kids at times. I will not let me kids go out to eat at a restaurant if I feel they can not be well behaved and mindful of others. I know kids will be kids, and I am not saying to deprive them of that. As a server, I know accidents can happen very quickly, and someone could get very hurt. Even though most of us servers have great balancing skills, it is very hard for us to see a little one ( waist height and lower) scurrying up and down the dining room when we have a large tray of foods in our arms. One time a toddler was running around the restaurant where I work, and I had a coffee pot on my tray. I nearly avoided a bad spill on that little child, and only had a second to react by the time I saw this child running under my tray past me. I understand you want to enjoy eating out, but please keep in mind that your children could get hurt if they are not contained. I don’t want to see that happen.

  19. Profile photo of Marsha mom1st
    Marsha mom1st 12 months ago

    To the corner of the floor people, not the middle, not in front of the kitchen, not juggeling knives but colouring. And a scooter should be outdoors, but she didn’t allow that. Maybe the other guests weren’t bothered, maube they thought the kids were cute, maybe it was crowded and the music was loud and they didn’t notice the kids. You weren’t there and what the f* are you doing here??? If you don’t like the woman get off her site!! This is her queendom.

  20. Profile photo of Lozzie
    Lozzie 12 months ago

    I love Jamie’s. First time I went there was on a very crowded evening and I had my then 2 year old with me. Our pram wouldn’t fit into the restaurant and some staffed offered us a spot to fold it up and keep it during our time there and gave us a child seat, colouring pack and stickers for the little man as soon as they led us over to be seated. He cried and whinged through most of the meal and refused most of the food we offered (it was his bedtime and the people who had invited us out chose the time) and none of the staff there even batted an eyelid. There were children all around us too, being loud, jumping out of their seats, bouncing around with super human energy haha. It was a great feeling to be able to enjoy a meal without anybody trying to make feel bad for having a totally normal toddler ๐Ÿ˜Š

  21. Profile photo of huma iqbal
    huma iqbal 12 months ago

    you are greatest mom that i like you are same like me i like you mam.

  22. Profile photo of Carrie
    Carrie 12 months ago

    Went to this heaps wanky cafรฉ a couple of months back with my then 9 month old, and I chose a spot in the back corner in case she decided to be a demon! Was pleasantly surprised at all the staff that went out of their way to come up and say hello to her. Made my morning, and she only threw a few things on the ground which everyone laughed off. It’s not hard for people to not be dicks, love it when that happens.

  23. Profile photo of Selena
    Selena 12 months ago

    Yes, children have their moments, and yes, I was a child once too. I’d also like to add that that my parents taught me what was appropriate behaviour when I was allowed a treat such as dining out with them. Your children were behaving like undisciplined animals, endangering the safety of the waitstaff and the patrons alike and creating a most unpleasant and disturbing atmosphere. If they were injured, as a result of their actions, it’s almost a certainty you’d not recognize it was your fault entirely.

    It is NOT appropriate to bring children everywhere you go. Some places are for young children, others for older youngsters (ones who know how to behave like civilized human beings) and adults. Your description of your children’s behaviour disgusted me and I ask you to spare the public their antics until they can behave properly. If you can’t, or won’t discipline them, for God’s sake leave them at home with a baby sitter!

    • Profile photo of Laura-Jayne
      Laura-Jayne 12 months ago

      Whats with the haters?! you clearly didnt read the post properly…the kids sat at a corner on the floor to colour as no room at the table (why provide colouring if no room to do it and they were in a CORNER not in the middle of the room). And hardly like Con asked Arlo to go and get his scooter and bring it into the restaurant!! she was telling her kids off not ignoring their behaviour!!! = Excellent parenting!!! doing normal stuff with kids is healthy and how are you meant to teach kids about behavior in public places if you dont take them there?!

  24. […] Hall, C. (2016). Eating out with the turds. Retrieved from […]

  25. Profile photo of Cathy kendall
    Cathy kendall 6 months ago

    Why do people always feel the need to express hate & judgement on other people.
    Why can’t we just accept we are all different and not perfect ..
    Why can’t we just let things go & pass if you don’t agree on something , instead of being negative or nasty ..
    We all have good days and bad days being a mum..
    We all cope in many different ways….
    Let’s spread understanding & acceptance , love & happiness and just be there for each other…
    We don’t always have to agree on something or everything but I do believe you should choose your words wisely….
    Let’s make this journey of motherhood and life alittle better each day with being alittle kinder each day ….๐Ÿ‘‘๐Ÿ˜Š

  26. Profile photo of Megga
    Megga 2 months ago

    If the coloring books costs $ 2 bucks thats a sign or joke in itself hate restaurants yhat are so far up themselves they have all these strict rules they should be grateful you chose to ate there demand service lol

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