A Civil War

Bill and I have fought for most the week. You know when you fight over something and then you “make up” but you actually still hate each other..

Connie.War

 so if one of you even glances at the other one it’s back on..

That was us, I actually can’t even remember what the original fight was over but it just snow balled.

And then every thing gets thrown into it,

“Well last year you…….”

“Well I wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t..”

“Well maybe be you should have thought about that before you……”

And so on and so on.

Then before you know it your fighting about money, house work, fighting over who started the fight. You’re pretty much entering yourselves into the “who’s life is more shit” competition (tip… There are no winners)

I’m the psycho screamy throwy type of fighter and Bill is the silent, shut down passive aggressive fighter. Which makes me even madder, which makes him ignore me even more. 😨

Before we know it I’m in throwing sentences like “maybe we need to reconsider our marriage if that’s how you feel”

And Bills completely shut down and won’t even make eye contact with me.

Thankfully we have learnt to reign it in before it gets to full fledged Cold War.

Now days our fights are pretty much over when one of us makes the other one laugh, like last night when Bill and I were supposed to be in our silent war while he was in bed in the other room and I heard him let out a massive fart and I just intuitively knew that he had a huge grin of pride on his face. Fight over.

So here are some tips that a lot of marriage therapy has taught us.

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1, Fuck you- fuck you too is fine. Everyone needs to vent, sleeping and leaving on a fight are not. They create too much anxiety, anxious people make bad decisions, avoid doing that.

2, Don’t say horrible things to each other. Threatening divorce, belittling each other’s past etc might feel like they don’t have long term effects but they do. You are chipping away at he foundation of the relationship. You might not even notice that your doing it. However if tough times arise you will soon learn that the relationship has lost its foundation and crumbles. So keep the foundation strong because you will need it if you guys run into a rainy day.

3, If you are really struggling to get along put a rule in place that you are not to mention anything that is bothering you until Wednesday, (or whatever day you choose) on that day set aside 30 minutes to talk about the things that have fucked you both off during the week. By then hopefully the angry element will have passed and you can more clearly interact about your issues  instead of just blurting them out as they arise and having a massive argument.

Our counsellor told me that Romeo and Juliet were teenagers for a reason, because they were young and naive enough to believe that true love is a fairy tale. We are old enough and experienced enough to know that in fact a relationship is hard work, constant changes, rewarded with deep sense of contentment.

If you are in the midst of a civil war, I also highly recommend embracing the silent treatment, grab a book, pour yourself a glass of wine and enjoy the peace.

💗 Con 👑

35 Comments
  1. Profile photo of Anna
    Anna 1 year ago

    Some great advice! I’ve always refused to go to bed angry at each other.
    On occasions though I’ve left the house with the whole dramatic slamming of the door (I get very dramatic when I’m angry..;p) but always ended up feeling bad so I’d come crawling back 5 min later.. haha

  2. Profile photo of Supermum
    Supermum 1 year ago

    Going through this shit . Ur advice has given me some insight there is hope just have to beleive in myself it will get better.. 😒

  3. Profile photo of Lou
    Lou 1 year ago

    My man is a silent treatment kinda guy and I am a shouty kinda gal. I like your suggestion of embracing the peace, which I often do even if it is through gritted teeth and clenched jaw 😉🍷✌🏼️

  4. Profile photo of Sassy
    Sassy 1 year ago

    I am so doing the fighting all the time thing with the FOMC and it is wearing me down. I only wish he would come to counselling with me. He is also that much of a jerk that I can’t even share your pearls of wisdom and life experience with this draining crap because he is such an arrogant f#<# just wish he would be willing to do the hard work rather than hassle me about lack of sex, be nice Bla Bla fucking Bla 😓

  5. Profile photo of Candace
    Candace 1 year ago

    Thanks for this post, currently fighting with hubby over every single dam fucking stupid little thing. This blog entry has helped me realise I need to step back

  6. Profile photo of Tracey
    Tracey 1 year ago

    Me and the hubster fought last night and it descended into war and the silent treatment (from him, the passive aggressive one). I sat there on the couch mulling it over and I normally would just strut off to bed mumbling a quiet “fuck you” under my breath as I left the room but this time, I got up, swallowed my pride, and went over there to where he was sitting and gave him a big hug. He tried not to respond at first but my womanly ways soon got the better of him and within seconds he was telling me how beautiful and wonderful I am (can’t help it if the man knows the truth) so we are friends again now, both went to bed happy and that’s the way it should be. Until the next time… ;-P

    • Profile photo of m.u.m/queenjess
      m.u.m/queenjess 1 year ago

      awesome! good on you, i need to get the balls to do this sometimes, i hate going to bed unhappy with each other and sometimes all it takes is a hug

      • Profile photo of Victoria
        Victoria 9 months ago

        Can I say I’m just knew to the sight and omg I have been in such a bad place ATM and I think just reading some of these posts and story has help me in so many ways and I just won’t to say as a mother of 7 kids I raise my hands high to you this is the best sight ever and I’ve only just began ; )

  7. Profile photo of Tamara'lee
    Tamara'lee 1 year ago

    I am the stubborn screamy type when it comes to arguments and I know that the only way I can calm down is by going for walk. 90% of the time I come home a lot calmer.

  8. Profile photo of Paige
    Paige 1 year ago

    Hub and I never fought until we had a child, then we fought all the time about who should do what, etc. Several years later and after a few attempts at counseling, things are better. He has learned to control his temper better and I have learned how not to piss him off. When we do fight, I’m always the peace maker. Always. He will storm away and not talk to me and not want to talk about whatever we were fighting about, but I insist we clear the air.

  9. Profile photo of Maree
    Maree 1 year ago

    Me and hubby are the exact same when we fight. I hate the dreaded silence too.. but I love to do the screaming throwy thing too it releases some built up tension (poor guy) .. love your posts by the way (first time commenting) ☺

  10. Profile photo of Janet Frankly
    Janet Frankly 1 year ago

    Me- when hubster and I fued I am venting and fuming and hubster shuts down and mentally leaves th building. The golden rule is as u say never go to bed and seriously never leave th venting feline throffing for th day. Love what you do.

  11. Profile photo of QueenSherean
    QueenSherean 1 year ago

    I’m pretty lucky. My husband and I rarely fight. He have little niggles here and there but we both hate the thought of making each other feel like a piece of shit so we kiss and make up pretty quickly. I could count on one hand how many times we have had full blown arguments with me yelling. Two of those times I was drunk and got my periods days later so that had a lot to do with it. I want to get angry with him sometimes and just yell and scream and carry on, but I can’t. I just cry instead, I can never get the words out, they just turn into tears. I’m such a fucking sook. So of course he comforts me till I stop crying then I can’t yell at him then cause he’s so sweet and caring. And when he has the shits he just avoids me pretty much and gets over it. Or I make him tell me what’s up and we sort it out there and then. Writing all this out just made me realise how lucky I am to have him 😊😊

  12. Profile photo of Meghan
    Meghan 1 year ago

    Oh Boy we can sure fight! Both of us take turns with who will yell and who will give the silent treatment. I also turn into a lunatic at times, one night I grabbed the house keys from him, threw then down the road and ran home, total adult temper tantrum. I like the wait until Wednesday, will have to try that.

  13. Profile photo of Lenai
    Lenai 1 year ago

    It’s so refreshing to hear about other peoples problems too.
    While that sounds like an awful thing to say.
    It’s the hit of reality I needed.
    Just coming out of the ass end of a tedious few weeks in the homestead.

    Great advice and great comments. I found myself nodding and laughing at how familiar it all sounds.

    Have a great weekend, beautiful ladies <3

  14. Profile photo of zombietakeover
    zombietakeover 1 year ago

    Sometimes we all need a reminder that no relationship is perfect. I am a firm believer in it’s how you say things that set people off sometimes. I can honestly say in over a year we haven’t had the screaming/shouting fight once. We have disagreed and I usually am the one that just shuts up. Which is he says is a lot scarier than me yelling, so I stick with what works. Take a few minutes, walk away. Think of what is really important and why you are together in the first place. You love the idiot. Suck it up sometimes and apologize. And make up sex, yes please.

  15. Profile photo of Nanette
    Nanette 1 year ago

    My husband and I are fighting at the moment. At least, I’m the one fighting and he’s the one who silently waits for me to calm down. And then I end up resenting him his peaceful sleep at night because how dare I lie awake, fretting about the fact that he’s an asshole, and he sleeps the sleep of the dead (i wish!).
    And then I just now receive an email from him asking if we can’t have a date night tonight. I mean, I’m still pissed off with you! Even though I can’t quite remember why. I just remember that I don’t like him very much at the moment.

    Have a brilliant weekend, queens. I sense some make-up nookie on the horizon – after a few glasses of wine to celebrate the weekend anyway.

  16. Profile photo of Candice
    Candice 1 year ago

    This could not have come at a better time. Just got done fighting with my husband. Went to the bathroom & cried. When we fight we fight, but when we aren’t we are so amazing. I guess that is why the fighting stinks & hurts so much. Thank you for this encouraging blog!!!!!

  17. Profile photo of Stine
    Stine 1 year ago

    In our home, we’ve (after our daughter came along four months ago) agreed that what Suzanne and Arthur (our names are Stine and Kim), doesn’t count. Whenever we are frustrated, tired etc and for some reason thinks that its more than okay to take it out on eachother, Suzanne and Arthur steps up to the fight. When they’re finished blaming eachother the good thing is, that what Suzanne and Arthur says, doesn’t count 👌🏼

  18. Profile photo of Queen GB
    Queen GB 1 year ago

    This was us last night. I’m the one who brings up things that were said at 11:27 on the rainy day of 9th September 2003…and he is the one who says the harsh things that make me question why we’re even married. Then silence. Which is not always a bad thing for me cos it gives me times to work things out in my head and actually think of my next move. Before lashing out some more and making things far worse. We are both stubborn…so we wait for the other one to wave their white flag and surrender. Thankfully it was me last night. I apologised and he laughed and said it’s only cos my feet were cold and wanted a cuddle to warm up. Argument ended 😊

  19. Profile photo of amyLou
    amyLou 1 year ago

    You should write a book you’re inspirational xx

  20. Profile photo of Zailee
    Zailee 1 year ago

    This this this this this.
    My partner and I just moved into a single income and the stress is really pressuring us. I’m a drama shouter who aggressively steamrolls and he is a calm practical lad who sulks and grumps quietly while debating his side. It doesn’t mesh well. I really needed to read this post Con ♕ ♥ puts it into perspective.

  21. Profile photo of Louise
    Louise 1 year ago

    This sounds like me and my other half…… For the 13yrs we’ve been together he’s been the laid back one and nothing bothers him so I seem to be the one to cause all the arguments. He walks away and also gives me silent treatment which like you this makes me crazier and before I know it I’ve told him to get to fuck and pack his bags I want some reaction back from him though not that this gives me his reaction it just tears us apart more!!! I actually hate myself afterwards for this because I’ve let myself down and also I have no right to tell him to do this if anyone should pack their bags it’s me, which I’ve done only to drive to the end of the street and turn back 😂

  22. Profile photo of Meg
    Meg 1 year ago

    I fucking love your posts! Honestly, thought I was a right weirdo until I realised that everyone is deep down the same. Unfortunately, I’m the one who’s not so deep down, more up front and in your face.

    I whole heartedly agree with not going to bed or leaving on a fight, and yeah we always manage to ‘make up’ in one way or another, usually by the best and most fun way we know how until we’re just too worn out to argue anymore, or at least by angrily saying ‘I fucking love you’ to get the response of ‘Yeah I fucking love you too’.

    I have personally never got why my own mind feels the need to argue, even when there’s nothing to argue about I want to argue about why there isn’t. I mean, is this just the way love works? I don’t know, can’t say I ever will either. But the more I read your blogs and comments of other queens, I begin to feel more and more normal. Almost like the crown I thought was slipping is actually right where it should be. Hanging from my messed up hair or not, it’s something to own.

    Queens are exactly who they should be, and no matter how high their crowns are, or how rusted, it is every queens personal style.
    So thank you Constance. You truly have lifted my spirits. A woman of inspiration 👑 xxxxxx

    • Profile photo of Constanze
      Constanze 12 months ago

      I can so relate to the weird need to argue. It makes me exaggerate everything too! Vicious cycle.

  23. Profile photo of Becca
    Becca 1 year ago

    Thank you Constance

  24. Profile photo of Natalie
    Natalie 1 year ago

    I’m so glad to have read this at this time. My husband quit smoking 12 years ago but about 6 months ago decided to have another bash at it and is currently smoking like he’s training for an Olympic smoking event and I want to rip the face off him every single fucking day. I dip in an out of the filthy habit and 10 can last me over a week however, King of the fags will smoke 20 in a day then eye mine like it’s prime rib and get stuck into mine! He’ll ask in a cutesy way like it’s all adorable and shit but I just want to punch him in the repeatedly in the face when he does. I’ve lost count how many times in these 6 months he’s told me how we need to stop wasting money on fags because it’s a joke (righty oh son!!!!!) or how he’s had his last one because that one was fucking disgusting. Next thing you know, he’s putting on shoes, taking the dog for a walk (something that’s become my fucking job unless he wants fags!) and is wandering off to the damn shop FOR FAGS! I’m currently sat in the bathroom smoking all mine so he can’t have anymore then I’m going to try and rationally address my frustrations using the above points to stay grounded and not sledge hammer him in the face. I thank you Queen Con because we may not get divorced because I have listened to what you said and will try and be an adult in this ‘discussion’ xx

  25. Profile photo of cassie
    cassie 1 year ago

    I have been with my other half for 15 yrs an in that time never have I heard sorry outta his mouth. He too is the silent type. Though I think id rather him just shut up but a sorry or a I know wot your saying would be nice.

  26. Profile photo of Lianna
    Lianna 1 year ago

    What happens when you try the silent treatment or agree not to talk about it until a certain time or day, but then he forgets about it completely and just wants to play like nothing ever happened? Or when he always just wants to pretend like nothing ever happened, to avoid any kind of confrontation what so ever?

  27. Profile photo of Amy
    Amy 1 year ago

    Me and the Mr or wank stain as I like to call him atm are both the silent broody type so we get NO-WHERE in a fight!!! Neither of us says anything and it all just broods 😤 we are right now sitting on the sofa ignoring each other which is making me so fucking angry!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!
    Thankyou Constance again you have come to my rescue and made me realise we can get through it. I have know idea how you always know what to say. I am actually in love with you xxx

  28. Profile photo of JoJo
    JoJo 1 year ago

    Oh blimey. . My partner and I have literally argued from the off I’m the ‘leave me alone and let me calm down’ type and he’s the one that followers me round shouting and insulting my past present and future .. he’s the one that wants to make it work and I’m the one that has to talk myself into not leaving on a daily basis. I’m gonna try some of your tips and hope things get easier .. if not easier at least not so volatile. . Thanks for the post Constance x

  29. Profile photo of de
    de 12 months ago

    We are so busy being offended, when we don’t have a right actually because we don’t own another’s feelings or their right to say or express how they feel, I put the bath on and say nothing, my hubby is a try to hit you where it hurts type of guy, but over nearly 15 years in learned that not responding allows him the time to realize he’s being a twat, and then I carry no guilt for being a twat either, love your advice xxx

  30. Profile photo of Constanze
    Constanze 12 months ago

    It makes me feel better to know that I m not the only. My hubby is the quiet, dead quiet type, which drives me spare most of the times during our fights, that I usually start out of nowhere.
    His silent treatment makes me feel like he doesn’t even care.
    And that’ when Mrs Hyde enters the scene. It’s as if a switch turns and I can’t help myself and start the full crazy, hurtful and destructive tirade.
    I know that I should walk away and turn back into Dr Jekyll, but it’s soooo hard.
    Even harder when he mutters a silent ‘shut up’.
    I am a drama queen, but regret most of my hurtful outbursts straight afterwards.
    It’s so exhausting and I get tired of it. In the end we always get back together and apologise.

  31. Profile photo of Charlotte
    Charlotte 2 days ago

    How do I fix my marriage?
    I have been following ur pages on FB. I think ur rather inspiring to a lot men and women. But I need everyone’s help here.
    I’m not charlotte and I’m not a female, however I am inspired by the way u put things into perspective.
    I want my wife back, I love her so much that even writing this really brings tears to my eyes.
    I’ve honestly never loved someone so much in my life I am struggling to let go.
    We had a big disagreement in January, we are living in seperate dwellings, my emotions were up and down from some of the things she was doing, was actually upsetting me. Don’t get me wrong I’m not one of those gay guys but I have had a rather different from the age of five I was in foster care, I couldn’t seem to find trust in anybody as I was constantly moved around a lot from home to home. Even growing up I still couldn’t find trust in anybody until I met my wife. Upon meeting my wife Chelsea, I began from the start to have trust in somebody. I had never experienced this before. Everything was amazing between us. We now have 2 little men bailey 2 & 1/2 and Zac 1. Due to having a business my wife had to do everything on her own whilst I was working around the clock and forth.
    I have since gotten rid of the business and tried proving that my priority is my family now through Christmas but didn’t get a fair shot as I believe her family seen me as someone that is not a family man kind of guy. That too when said to me played on in my mind all through Christmas. My wife and I aren’t divorced yet and I’m praying everyday that she doesn’t go there cause I’m falling apart without her, and don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything. She took a DVO out on me so she could try get over her feeling for me and move on in life. Everyone acknowledges that we have a strong connection but she’s trying to let go. I feel she is listening to opinions rather then her heart. And been through the shit child hood I was destined to keep my family together. My wife is my world. When times are good everything is great but when times are shot house well things are made worse then what they actually are. We have been through worse then this but she just won’t give it a chance now that we don’t have the business but yet now I have all the time in the world. I got rid of my business, I went bankrupt to prove to my family that their worth more then money it’s self. Now I’m lost.
    Any advice would be great. I came her cause she sent me a post u put up on how u and ur partner met, u made love, had kids, begun to fight, hated then loved and so on. Since then I have followed u and she absolutely adores u to the point she has read ur book. So I’m hoping maybe u or any of the other ladies on this site could kindly give me some idea of what I can do to save my marriage, hold on to my wife, my best friend, my lover, my soul mate. Without being a stalker or weirdo.

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