This is my enema, every night I roll onto my side, lube up the pointy end and squeeze medicine into my bum.


Then I stay very still and boss Bill around if I need anything because Queenie has her enema in.

So many queens out there doing it tough with our individual health concerns, I wouldn’t be the ruler of the overshare if I didn’t talk about mine..

I remember the day I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis as the happiest day of my life. No shit, better then my wedding and better then the birthing of the spawn.

Because I am a cancer phobe. I get a headache and I’m convinced I have brain cancer, bloating? Ovarian cancer, freckles? Definitely Skin cancer.

I’ve always been a bit of a hypercondriac when I was a kid I thought I would catch lung cancer if I so much as saw someone smoking and when I was a sexually active single πŸ’ƒ I’d get an AIDS test every time I had a cold. My health paranoia actually got a lot worse after having children, I was now facing a full blown illness anxiety disorder.

On one occasion my psychologist actually said to me

“while your fearing death, that life your so eager to keep is passing you by”

Scary isn’t it? Being scared of the fact that your always scared😨😨😨.

However after having Arlo at the age of 27 I started to develop my first real life Ulcerative Colitis symptoms…

That consists of but are not limited to diarrhoea, mucus and blood in your poo, stomach pains and gas.

Yeah, I did just say blood in my poo….

You can pretty much guess that I was planning my funeral, writing my will and struggling to leave my bedroom. I was so devastated, convinced I was leaving this incredible family that I had created, all I wanted was them.

So on the day that I had my colonoscopy, I woke up and awaited the news.

Ulcerative Colitis…. a life long chronic illness with no cure that you needed to take strong pills and put enemas in your bum for. I was stoked. It doesn’t kill you.

Watching your kids grow up is a privilege denied to many. I felt so privileged, I left the hospital doing my happy pelvic thrust dance.

Sometimes UC can really get me down, like the time that Bill bought me a really cool pair of white overalls with cute cat heads printed on them only I didn’t make it to the toilet in time and I threw them in the bin because I didn’t want the kids to see what had happened, I felt so defeated.

But I always remind myself of that ecstatic feeling I had the day I was diagnosed, the day the doctor told me I wasn’t dying and I get the fuck on with things. πŸ‘‘πŸ‘‘πŸ‘‘

Life is all about perspective πŸ’—πŸ’—

❀️ Con xxx

  1. Profile photo of Lisa
    Lisa 1 year ago

    I love how open you are about things some people would be embarrassed about, we need more people like you around πŸ˜†

  2. Profile photo of Farah
    Farah 1 year ago

    Hello from cold cold Canada. You brighten up my days and help me get through this miserable winter. I can’t wait to read a new post. Thank you for your honesty and for discussing things we all go through but are too afraid to share. Big hugs!

  3. Profile photo of Lea
    Lea 1 year ago

    This latest post could not have come at a better time. Since the birth of my son I’ve suffered all those things you’ve mentioned and three years later I’m still undiagnosed. Time for a new doctor and a second opinion. This queen is ready to start living again- far far away from the bathroom xx

    • Profile photo of caroline seguin
      caroline seguin 1 year ago

      Hi Lea, please please go see another doctor. It took 3 doctors to diagnose me. And I had UC and I almost died from it. Go see until you find an answer, your the specialist of your own body and you know when something is not normal! Good luck <3

  4. Profile photo of Steph
    Steph 1 year ago

    Had my first colonoscopy last year. I can still taste the warm lemony/salty prep. *gag*
    I’ve had more people look up my vagina than I’ve had hot dinners. Half of Perth’s specialists have rummaged around in there trying to diagnose what the actual fuck is going on with my fruity cycles. Queen health concerns can be brutal and very unqueenly, but that’s what makes us tough as fucking nails. We march on because we just do.

    I’m a cancer-phobe as well…lost my mum to it when I was 20, 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant…that was a tough year.
    Been on cancer watch ever since (16 yrs and counting…)

  5. Profile photo of GeorginaW
    GeorginaW 1 year ago

    Yup. Could have wrote this myself. Except I have IBS. I have the worst health anxiety it’s almost embarrassing. My dr just shrugs now. Shits just fucking scary!!! I want too grow super old and sit on my porch drinking beer and yelling at “THOSE DAMN YOUNG PEOPLE!!!” It’s hard too remind myself worrying away today won’t change what we have no control over tomorrow…..

  6. Profile photo of Roberta Jordan
    Roberta Jordan 1 year ago

    I totally get this. 2 years ago I almost died from necrotizing fasciitis ( flesh eating bacteria). 54 days in a coma, a little over 2 months in the hospital and rehab to be able to walk again. I swear the only reason I survived is I refused to leave my family.

  7. Profile photo of Annabel Author
    Annabel 1 year ago

    Wow Roberta!! What a story – you are one strong Queen! πŸ™‚

  8. Profile photo of Echo
    Echo 1 year ago

    Valentine’s Day 2016 marks the 2 year anniversary of my husband being diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer at the ripe old age of 33. When we woke up that morning for his appointment I remember being excited to know %100 that is was UC because the doctors had told us he was to young for colon cancer. Well… they were wrong! Fucking cancer! Then came surgery and chemo. Our son was only 8 months old. We were so scared. He is in remission now for over a year and we are expecting baby #2. I say “Hell yes to the UC” “You rock the enema” Be loud and proud. Because it’s not cancer!

    • Profile photo of Sophie
      Sophie 11 months ago

      If you haven’t already please get tested for Lynch syndrome. It is a leading cause of bowel cancer in young people. It can be called HNPCC. This is so close to me as I am a stage 3b bowel cancer survivor with Lynch syndrome and there is no family history.

  9. Profile photo of Ell Mains
    Ell Mains 1 year ago

    Hey Con, your blog is fantastic and so are you. I found you on fb a week ago and since then have read everything you wrote on there and checked daily for new stuff to make me laugh…you’re great, so happy for you and all of us that you got this website up and please get writing everyday. At least daily, twice a day would be much appreciated….x

  10. Profile photo of Jenna
    Jenna 1 year ago

    Errrmeeeegerrrdd! I have u.c as well- pain in my ass (literally).. I was taking medications twice a day which wouldn’t help that much, I ended up experimenting and going glutin free, haven’t had to go back on my medication for a year. Yasss! But! Will it flare back up when my eggo gets preggo?

  11. Profile photo of Mel
    Mel 1 year ago

    4years ago (aged 29 at the time) I was going to my gp every week, insomnia, tired, weight loss, shaking hands, waking in a pool of sweat in winter, itching the skin off my legs, hair falling out in handfuls (no shit 😱) the list goes on….
    I was close to going into a mental health hospital it was too much!!!!
    Gp put me on anxiety pills and told me I was fine, till Dr Oz saved my life…. After watching a show he did on Thyroid problems and I fit everything he said, I walked my proud ass back into the gp and demanded a thyroid test (which she shunned me for wanting especially after I told her Dr Oz dos a show on it hahaha) well, turns out I was in a total full blow hypo state with Graves Diease.. And I was like THANK FUCK FOR THAT, I THOUGHT MY KIDS HAD FINALLY DROVE ME CRAZY -literally πŸ˜‚
    No cure, pills forever, and it’s managed pretty well.
    It’s hard enough being a full time mum let alone having health problems screw us around.

  12. Profile photo of Paige
    Paige 1 year ago

    Jinx! I was 27 too when I was diagnosed and I have a cupboard full of those wonderful little enemas!

  13. Profile photo of QueenMother
    QueenMother 1 year ago

    I know life is short and sometimes it is just way too hard to change your diet, especially when you are catering for a fussy family as well, but, have any of you poor, suffering Queens (and I mean that sincerely) tried a little diet modification? Maybe cutting out gluten and grains for a start, or even reducing your intake? Just putting it out there my darlings, this is not a criticism and I am not a health nut… my God, that would involve giving up alcohol! I have had IBS and found that diet changes really do help and ifI revert to my old diet or slip up I am in the shitter almost constantly for a day or three πŸ™‚

  14. Profile photo of Tearainy
    Tearainy 1 year ago

    Hmm reading your post and all the following comments makes me remember my past year lol.
    *post partum depression resulting in hospitalization and that resulted in my diagnosis of having Hashimotos thyroiditis a autoimmune disease which attacks the thyroid and is managed by tablets everyday for the rest of my life….
    *a rectal fissure which causes extreme pain and enough blood to turn the toilet water red with the softest stools, and the medication i was given isn’t working
    *a tumor the size of a large white grape in my skull between the inner ear and the thin bone structure around the brain
    and a long list of symptoms which the doctors say are unrelated to the above problems….
    -chronic migraines
    -extreme weight loss
    -bruising with the smallest bumps
    -hair loss
    -major mood swings
    -dizzy spells resulting in vision blackouts
    -shaking hands
    – lymph-nodes in my neck swollen to the size of golf balls
    -extreme cramping with my period (which has never happened before)
    -heart palpitations when not active
    -intermittent shortness in breath

    and all the tests have come back normal……

    • Profile photo of saggytitts
      saggytitts 1 year ago

      geezus woman its amazing that your still standing, you must be made of tuff stuff, must be frustrating as hell they cant tell you whats going on

  15. Profile photo of Sarah-Lou
    Sarah-Lou 1 year ago

    This post came at the perfect time, I have had similar symptoms for over a year now with things are getting worse and worse. I have been saying to myself it’s just hemorides don’t overreact you’re fine you’re only 26. Deep down I’ve know something isn’t right for a while I’ve just been to ashamed to get it looked at and now feel stupid for waiting so long. So after reading I’ve now just been to the doctors and straight away she has said its not hemorides and that I’ve got a hard mass growing and need to see a Colorectal surgan ASAP. She didn’t go into much more detail but said if I can’t get an appointment with him in 2 weeks (managed to get one one the 29th) to either go to the ER or search for some other Colorectal surgans and find one that has an appointment sooner (if anyone knows of a good one in Perth please let me know). After looking up the doctor she has referred me to I’ve found out he is a specialist in colorectal cancer and it’s got me freaking out a little to say the least! I want to thank you for writing this and making me finally get my arse into gear, our health is something we shouldn’t be ashamed of. Hopefully everything comes back fine and I’ll be able to dance out of my appointment like a Queen!

    • Profile photo of Sophie
      Sophie 11 months ago

      I hope your appointment goes well. If you do end up with bowel cancer I can give you plenty of recommendations. I am 3 years clear after being diagnosed at 29. Take care of yourself.

  16. Profile photo of Mel Apps
    Mel Apps 1 year ago

    I couldn’t have found you at a better time in my life!!
    I am a new mum of a 4 month old baby girl and a sufferer of Ulcerative Colitis since 2013.
    It is hard enough being a new mum and trying to handle the day to day stuff. Constantly doubting oneself and hoping no one is judging you. Throw in a chronic disease, UC, you have an awesome mix for a emotional and physical roller coaster. I am currently on oral tablets and I receive infliximab every eight weeks now. (This medicine got the go ahead while I was pregnant with my girl, due to losing weight and health deteriorating).

    • Profile photo of Mel Apps
      Mel Apps 1 year ago

      I couldn’t have found you at a better time in my life!!
      I am a new mum of a 4 month old baby girl and a sufferer of Ulcerative Colitis since 2013.
      It is hard enough being a new mum and trying to handle the day to day stuff. Constantly doubting oneself and hoping no one is judging you. Throw in a chronic disease, UC, you have an awesome mix for a emotional and physical roller coaster. I am currently on oral tablets and I receive infliximab every eight weeks now. (This medicine got the go ahead while I was pregnant with my girl, due to losing weight and health deteriorating).
      I have panic attacks that I won’t be around for everything, especially when there are issues with my bowels.
      Just to hear there is another person in the same boat is so comforting.
      Thank you for sharing and giving woman out there a voice. You often make me laugh and reconfirm we are doing good jobs.

  17. Profile photo of KnotSewPeaSee
    KnotSewPeaSee 1 year ago

    My 15yr old daughter has severe Crohns disease.
    We get the fuck on with it too.

  18. Profile photo of Her
    Her 1 year ago

    I got the UC diagnosis about 18 months ago and was just congratulating myself on finally getting the hang of suppositories. They’re not really working though (it amazes me how much blood comes out of my bum sometimes and I want to talk about it as much as everyone else really does not want to hear it. Bodies!). This woman in a hospital waiting room whispered to me last week “Get the enema love, GET THE ENEMA” and I was all fuck, no. Maybe I should though, now you’ve made it sound almost like a holiday.

  19. Profile photo of Alicia
    Alicia 1 year ago

    Hi all you amazing Queens I try to put my crown on every day but it’s hard. I have Rheumatoid disease (arthritis) and after being on steroids, pain meds and disease modifying, biologic drugs for years it’s sucking the life out of me. But I have 3 young Queens who need me so on goes the crown even if I am in a wheelchair one day it’ll be the most blinged up wheel chair you’ve ever seen.
    You are all Queensβ™ΏοΈπŸ‘Έ

  20. Profile photo of beckashy
    beckashy 1 year ago

    You are such a strong Queen!! πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘‘ I have had crohns for 10 years & it gets me down so often, now with health based anxiety issues life feels very hard some days. Thank you for your posts, they always put a smile on my face or make me shed a tear, in a good way & are making me realise that I am a freakin strong queen & can get through this. Thank you 😘

  21. Profile photo of m.u.m/queenjess
    m.u.m/queenjess 1 year ago

    Im exactly the same with thinking every symptom i have is cancer, sucks and stupid, why worry about something you can’t control. That’s what partner says to me, he knows now when i say oh headache or weird stomach pains he says your not dying! lol how many waste of money doc appointments will it take to prove i’m pretty dam healthy with a few normal glitches (one of those being a pelvic organ prolapse from 2 babies) I was the same after my tests/gyno appointment… Yay im not dying lol only my insides nearly coming out and im only 25. but life is good i have my two babies which makes it all worth it πŸ™‚

  22. Profile photo of Michelle Barnes
    Michelle Barnes 1 year ago

    I have Crohns. I too was relieved. I was 22 and had been told for 4 years either it was all in my head or I might have cancer. Nothing in the middle. Most days I’m ok. I mean I always have painand I’m tired cos im always missing minerals my body can’t absorb but I can still human.
    Helped with the baby producing too. High pain threshold meant that I actually smiled through 2 labours.

  23. Profile photo of Jenn
    Jenn 12 months ago

    Holy cow ladies sounds like we’ve all been through a fair bit!

    I have had 4 babies that I adore but it was a fight to have them.

    I am diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, celiacs disease, Supraventricular tachycardia and Ankylosing Spondylitis! It’s a fight everyday to get up and make life happen! On top of my SI joints, hip and spine in constant pain my heart feels like it’s beating into another dimension. The Crohns is controlled now but wasn’t for a long time. I completely get you queenies and our fight to make everyday life amazing!

    From one queen to another we all do an amazing job.

  24. Profile photo of Sophie
    Sophie 11 months ago

    I just found this post as I stare down my 5th round of Bowel prep in 3.5 years. I hear you on just throwing the clothes out. I now suffer from not being able to trust a fart – I can’t recall how many pairs of undies I have just thrown away. This all came from finally admitting to a doctor I was having some seriouse trouble in the poop department. I had bowel cancer but caught it early enough that I am in remission and likely to stay that way. To all Queens please see your doctor and don’t let problems go with out an answer. Bowel cancet can affect the young not often thankfully but it does. It is treatable if caught early enough.

  25. Profile photo of Nicky Meadow
    Nicky Meadow 4 months ago

    So everyone in FB land is going on about this new Constance Hall book… so I googled, found you, and I’ve been peeing myself laughing for the past half hour reading your posts. The inner thoughts in my head are all right here. You’ve said them all out loud. The post about everyone’s libido fucking off had me in hysterics. The need for the husband to get the snip hilarious!! And then I found this post. Bugger me!! Not only is Constance Hall mind reading every thought I’ve probably ever had, but she’s bloody well got my disease as well.
    UC is a right pain in the arse alright. It’s good that it won’t kill you in a hurry but if you don’t do your enemas and take your medication it can get pretty serious. Bad cases can land you in hospital and you might be at risk of getting a mega colon (slightly deadly), or have to get it taken out in severe cases. Which is of course all a bit dodgey. I haven’t enjoyed UC one little bit. Some of the medication is just about as bad like the biologics and other chemo drugs you have to take. Side affects of those puppies no fun whatsoever and can sometimes be worse than the original bleeding bum problem. But once you get your meds right, or surgery done in most cases everyone lives happily ever after in remission… til the next flare. But thank god it’s not fricken cancer.
    Agree with all the other queens here, if you’ve got abnormal toilet stories go get them checked out!

  26. Profile photo of Wanita1970
    Wanita1970 1 week ago

    Hi Con, firstly – your amazing – thank you so much!

    Secondly, I’m a colonic Hydrotherapist who has been helping people with UC and other dire gut issues. I became a colonic queen due to having some pretty shocking health issues and colonics has pretty much saved my life. This is a gentle procedure using cool filtered water to hydrate and cleanse the large bowel. Secondly to assist the bowel to repair from being diseased, we use natural Probiotics such as fermented veg juice and fermented turmeric juice – these two are amazing at healing inflammation and putting great gut bacteria where it needs to be – boosting our immune system and helping our bodies to fight off illness and disease. I realise not everyone has had a good experience with colonics, but I have a lot of friends, relatives and clients who recommend what I do. Take care and keep up the amazing work xxx

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