Living the Dream

Yesterday morning was a typical morning.

Twins up at 6am, I get their bottles and get them out of cots.

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They both wee’d through their nappies. I changed their bed sheets, I change their nappies, then they BOTH decided to take a shit in their clean nappies, so I changed them again, Snows poo rolled onto the floor And for some sleep deprived reason I just bent down and picked it up with my fingers, I washed my hands 4 times, still stank of shit.

Arlo woke up, grunted at me, sat on the couch and screamed for TV, I said no, he screamed louder, I said yes.

Billiy-Violet wakes up, pretending to have a tummy ache, refusing to brush out her dread locks, feeling generally sorry for her own existence. Her and Arlo find some invalid excuse to cry while eating their cereal, they both think this earns them a day off. It doesn’t. I feed twins.
We can’t find a hair lacky. I force the kids to brush their teeth and direct them into the car. For no apparent reason at all twins scream I wrestle them into their car seats. I pull up to chemist, it’s closed, go to another one, forgot my bank card, find change in car, buy hair ties. Get to school. Late.

Billie-Violet walked herself to class, shot me a dagger with tears streaming down her face, I felt like shit.
I put the twins into the pram and walked Arlo to kindy, he broke down, kicking and screaming, the teacher grabbed him off me and told me to just go, it’s best. I walked away to the sound of my little warrior screaming “I want you mummy, please mummy” through his tears. I cried too.

The twins screamed when they realised they were getting back in their car seats, bend backs and kicks. I shoved them into their seats with more force then I’m proud of, I can feel the judgements, I can hear the “she’s not coping” thoughts beaming out of the other mums heads, I sped off, fuck the supermarket ambition out the window, straight home.

Get twins home, made them a bottle and put them back to bed for a nap.
30 minutes to myself.
I sat out the front in the sun looking at the ingrown hairs on my legs, a bee flew up my skirt, I’m scared of bees, I yanked my skirt off in a movement that looked like an odd interpretive dance and remembered I wasn’t wearing undies, couldn’t find clean ones. So my neighbours pretty much saw my hairy bush and white bum as I turned around and ran inside, now I kind of know why they didn’t accept my friend requests. I found some clean undies, put them on, get my period in them.

Twins woke up, both being kind of cute. Rumi steals my phone,somehow turns my iTunes on, Oasis comes on, Snow starts dancing to Wonderwall. I lie on the floor and sing/tickle/blow raspberries with them.
Phone rings, a queen from school, wondering if I was ok after Arlo’s nervous breakdown, told me Im amazing. Thanks queen.
I found another pair of clean undies, adjusted the crown and got the fuck on with it.

‪#‎likeaqueen‬ ‪#‎queensofconstance‬

9 Comments
  1. Profile photo of Renea
    Renea 9 months ago

    JESUS EFF this is my life this entire week and I only have the 3 year old and the 5 week old. I have just been so on edge and irritable and pull – my-fucking-hair-out. Thank you for being relatable and reminding me that everyone has shitty days.

    Or weeks.

  2. Profile photo of Miragi
    Miragi 9 months ago

    My heart to you. I only had two of my own and could barely manage that, so I marvel at your ability to keep it all afloat <3

    Best version-Wonderwall, this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l16VyU7xQQo

  3. Profile photo of Queen Mel
    Queen Mel 9 months ago

    Ohhh the clean undies this bahaha… And it doesn’t stop with me either!

    The other day the kids and I were eating brekkie when darling Hubby comes storming out of the bathroom to the oversized washing pile that I keep on his beloved pool table and yells at me “fuck my life and fuck this house, I’m gonna have to wear a pair of your undies again because I can’t find any of mine!!!” (He said again!?)
    To which I replied “well good luck with that, coz I’m going commando for the same reason!”

    The kids and I burst in to fits of laughter, nearly choking on their cereal while I’m left wondering exactly which pairs he’s sweaty gooch has occupied, and I still can’t believe he wears my undies on days that he can’t find his fucking own!!!!

  4. Profile photo of Queenintraining
    Queenintraining 9 months ago

    So so refreshing to read that mornings with kids are the same across the globe! I’m thousands of miles away but this could have happened in my kitchen xxx

  5. Profile photo of Shanny
    Shanny 9 months ago

    ahahahahaha , I love your ‘fuck the supermarket ambition’…. that literally made me laugh out loud!! That is soo me, on a good day!
    Your a breathe of fresh air to read.
    Thank you <3
    Just when I think I'm crazy, I read Constance, and realize, I'm normal!!

  6. Profile photo of Violetlove
    Violetlove 9 months ago

    Crying laughing so hard! You amaze me and provide much needed humour to situations that so many of us go through. Thank you. This queen needed that laugh xo

  7. Profile photo of Danielle
    Danielle 9 months ago

    I’m crying laughing and then I read Queen Mel’s comment and I can breathe I’m laughing so hard! I’m glad Ellen shared your blog because I’m enjoying it.

  8. Profile photo of Jessiecha
    Jessiecha 9 months ago

    Last night my little prince decided to wake up and wake up and wake up. This morning I used the last of the milk for him, which he decided not to drink and throw on the floor. Got some soy milk out of the cupboard, must have been bad my coffee tasted like bbq sauce. Cried for a moment, got 2 Tim tams, shared one with my little mate and got on with the day.

  9. Profile photo of Kat
    Kat 9 months ago

    Omg this is me all over, thankyou for letting me know that I’m not the only one out there lol, 1 child is 18 and my only boy and he doesn’t live at home anymore, but I’ve got so much to look forward to with 5 daughters, ages 10, 8.5, 7.5, 3 and a 2 year old, yes apparently I’m a glutton for punishment lol and wierdly enough if I didn’t have such hard pregnancys with my girls then I would have more lol oh I’m going to go grey soon haha

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