Body Love

Sitting here being amazing I started to think my relationship with my body. I haven’t always known how to love it.

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In my younger years I actually used to throw up after eating.

Now that my body is my queen, I’m so embarrassed that I would put her highness through that. 🙁

Bulimia is,

This strange compulsion to eat loads really poor quality food as fast as you can, spaced perfectly with water to keep a fluid consistency that is easier to bring up.

Bulimia isn’t,

Enjoyable. You can’t really enjoy the feeling of eating while your plagued with this uncontrollable guilt.

The satisfaction of throwing your lunch up is probably the closest thing you get to enjoyment with bulimia.

And then no matter how many times you wash your hands you pretty much always smell a little bit like spew… Eww. I know.

I remember taking my top off before I did it to minimise the chances of getting vomit on my clothes, I bent over and lunged my fingers down my throat, I was violently gagging in a bid to get every fucking bit of food up and out.

Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the shower door reflection, tits slapping against the toilet, head inside the bowl, I looked like a withdrawing drug addict, I wasn’t even skinny, which made me feel like I couldn’t pull the “eating disorder” card. I couldn’t even succeed at the eating disorder that clearly had its claws in.

I was kind of chubs and for some reason I had this ingrained belief that if I lost 10kgs all my problems would just flush away with my half digested pasta spew.

My eating disorder convinced me that I didn’t even deserve to have an eating disorder in order to stop me from getting help.

Eating disorders are sneaky little cunts.

Eventually self love creeped in, I was very lucky, I was struck mildly with an eating disorder, self love is strong and steady, it requires time and patience but…..

Self love always wins.

So today as I sit here bum on sand, loving myself sick, letting everyone enjoy the view of my incredibly strong, clever and sexy bod I want to pass on this message to anybody that isn’t engulfed in self love or positive body image yet.

Start small, say one positive thing about your body every day. Your mind will follow your mouth.

You will get there, don’t ever give up on a positive body image, even if you hate the way you look today and feel ashamed of your body today, you might not feel like that tomorrow. One day you might be a totally vain bitch like me who loves every inch of her divine queen body.

Self love always wins.

☺️

#constancesqueens #likeaqueen

6 Comments
  1. Profile photo of Meagan
    Meagan 1 year ago

    Thank you so much for writing this! At 17 I started the throw-up fiasco and only in the ladt few years have i realised that my weight doesn’t change shit! I do need to love myself way more so I’m going to take your advice and love the shit out of myself! You’re awesome! You’re so awesome you make me use exclamation marks way too often!!!

  2. Profile photo of Kate Hart
    Kate Hart 1 year ago

    Hell yeah!
    I’ve gone from putting on 27kg during pregnancy followed shortly by post natal depression- naturally! I’ve lost the majority of the weight.. Surprisingly the post natal didn’t go with it like I thought???! I’m so fucking naive ahah.
    I’ve learnt to love my body again though… even if my belly resembles an old lady winking.
    Seeing posts like this lets me know I’m not alone in my battle with my mind!

  3. Profile photo of Mrs Deary
    Mrs Deary 12 months ago

    “Couldn’t even pull the eating disorder card”
    This is spot on. I have struggled with anorexia for 26 years. But im getting better. I’m a comfortable size 10. But at barely 5″4 iv hardly got protruding. I too feel like I can’t even succeed at starving myself skinny! ! This really helped me thank you xxx

  4. […] have been devouring other literature to help pull me out of this ridiculous thought pattern.  Like this one from Constance Hall, (if you don’t follow her, you absolutely must)  or this from Rosie […]

  5. Profile photo of Bridget
    Bridget 4 months ago

    This resonated with me like you would not believe. It’s like you were speaking all the unspoken thoughts from my 15 year old head. Right down to being slightly overweight and thinking I was even failing at the eating disorder. Only bulimia really took its hold, from the age of 11 until I was happily married for over a year at age 22 and I finally realised I didn’t have to be a size 8 to be loved. Although I’m not quite as happy in my skin as you are (well done), it seems that recenlty having a baby, which left my skin covered in stretch marks from my thighs to my ribs, has only made me happier, and I just care a little less. So maybe one day I’ll be there with you in my kini on the beach looking like I love the world and myself and I just don’t give a fuck what people think.

  6. Profile photo of ⚜️ Kate ⚜️
    ⚜️ Kate ⚜️ 2 months ago

    Wow! Thanks so much for putting the real shit out there, your so right about eating disorders creeping up on you.

    ⚜️ Kate

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