Birthing Competitions

I struggle with competitive birthing, I struggle with any competitions but particularly one that makes a woman feel like it’s possible to fail at doing something that’s as weird exceptionally beautiful and mental as giving birth.


I wanted to give birth like a hero, like an Olympian. I wanted to be that soul mumma who managed to not flinch during a home birth with essential oils in a spa while levitating.

Drug free.
I couldn’t even walk into a night club in my twenties drug free why did I think I could push a baby out?
So needless to say, I wasn’t successful at harmonic birthing, I was in a hospital screaming for drugs, they came but never soon enough.
As a result my second labour was more of a morphine session, in other words I loved every second of it, thought I was a queen, hugged nurses, requested massages and so on. I pretty much just lay there loving myself, blowing my doctor kisses while he pulled a baby out of my fanny. I actually even think I had a mild morphine withdrawal the next day.
When I fell pregnant with the twins I finally stopped kidding myself and booked my first C section. Hallelujah. People say C sections aren’t natural, weird because the decision to have one came very organically to me.
However at 34 weeks my stumpy torso gave in and I went into labour naturally.

I can’t even plan a C section properly!!

I was in so much agony that I told Billy I wasn’t going to wait for my mum to get here and jumped in the car to drive myself in.
I literally screamed the whole way to the hospital, my waters dribbling down my legs I was absolutely positive I would give birth on the side of the freeway to two babies and then die.
But I made it there, waddling down the labour ward screaming and yelling at everyone that “MY BABIES ARE COMING OUT!!!! MY LAST LABOUR WAS QUICK!!!! THEY ARE COMING!!!”
Billy arrived minutes later, he said he could hear me screaming from the elevator. He came to my side.
As he walked into the room that I had been plonked in at the same time the doctor arrived with his glove on. Of course by then I was crying in so much pain, he assumed I was 10cm dilated and was stressed about the twins positions as we were all prepped for the C section that we might not make it to and Rumi was still breach.
He shoved his hand right up my clacker, I didn’t even care.

He pulled it out said

“Constance, your not even 1 cm dilated” #stillnotafail.

It became clear to everyone that I didn’t have a very high pain threshold.
So as they were getting me ready for me C- section of course the nerves made me need to poo.

Billy had to walk me to the toilet and pull down my undies. I was thinking to myself “I thought a C section was the civilised option, I don’t really feel civilised holding my husbands hands while pushing out a poo.

Now the embarrassing part here is that while helping me up, Bill had a confused look on his head after copping an eye full of my business.
I bursts out with “Don’t look Bill!!!! It’s a big poo!!!! It’s a nervous poo!! Nerve poos are always huge!!”

So pissed off and in agony I finally got my drugs and went forth with my Caesarian.
I don’t feel like a failure, I’m certainly not a natural but how could anyone feel like a failure after creating life?

Competitive birthday can fuck right off, women are such incredible life giving, fertility goddesses.
There are no winners, no losers no hero’s and certainly no failures, just amazingness feminine

Warriors that deserve the ground before them kissed by virgins.

  1. Profile photo of Tori oliver
    Tori oliver 1 year ago

    You are so right, but after having two c-sections I’ve had so many people look down their nose at me coz I took the east option, not sure what people think is so easy about having to be cut open and stitched back up, but this is just what had to be done to make sure my babies came into this world as safely as possible, my little queen was breech, this was how my other half new we we’re having a little queen coz just like her stubborn queen mother she did what she wanted and didn’t turn lol, my second I tried for a natural but my body didn’t cooperate and that put my little king at risk so off for an emergency c-section.. . It really not fun at all ,but rather than look down my nose at those who have given birth naturally I take my hat of to them I couldn’t imagine pushing out a nine pound bub,although mine were both little but still we’ll done for them. I think we need to stop comparing our selves to others and just be happy weather via c-section or natural birth we have bought theses little lives into the world and this is what makes us all damn good queens

  2. Profile photo of Britt B.
    Britt B. 1 year ago

    I love birth stories, they are never what you think before labor hits. And it’s always amazing and like a magic show full of surprises that are uncomfortable or fucking painful! I was lucky with my first 2 to be in the hospital with drugs available. My 3rd I wanted to try home birthing and so at about 6 m prego I got a midwife, I didn’t do any dr care prior because I was pregnant not sick, and to be quite honest I know my own damn body. There was a baby is there and everything was fine!
    Fast forward to the end of the pregnancy I had been trying for weeks to go into labor, like driving up the mountain and back and forcing my then hubby to let me use his man juice to put me in labor. Which started it a couple times but no success.
    On the night she came, then hubby came home late from work, I once again used him (like it was a bother to him) and this time I started contractions. My midwife had started me on some homeopathy treatments to help my body naturally work into labor and some to slow it down if it came on too fast. Who the fuck thinks of labor coming too fast and thinks I needs to take something o slow this down! Well my then hubby went to sleep as the last 2 labor a were long, and an hour into it I’m on the ball in the living room groaning and it gets so bad I’m crawling to the bedroom moaning in the worst pain ever! He wakes up and says are you ok, no I’m not ok a baby is about to come out of my vag! I can’t do this shit I want drugs take me in! He calls midwife and gets neighbor to get older kids… I got pee and to get clothes on and bam there’s a fucking head. Baby is crowning, I scream for him he says don’t push don’t push. There ain’t no stopping this, he goes to older kids as neighbor arrives. I know the drill the head is easier than the shoulders one contraction I push out comes baby heads one more ridiculous push and the baby slips out on my bathroom floor! Holy fuck I just pushed a baby out, and now I’m standing in the shower holding baby with cord still attached to me. Baby was pink and beathing and just perfect…Then hubby comes in, big kids in living room with neighbor, he’s like what the fuck do I do, get some fucking blankets and towels from the kit and get me to bed fucker. I just pushed an 8 lb baby out of my vag. We get wrapped up and in bed and kids come to see new baby sis and then their off to neighbors… Midwife is 45min away so we just hang out in bed and are amazed as to how fast and perfect she came. Midwife gets there, helps with after birth (fuck that shit hurts worse than the labor) a small price of placenta won’t come out, so I leave baby with hubby, we wanted to avoid hospitals and the stay and meds they force here in the US; so we go to ER and they hassle me about my baby, the just me some fucking Demerol and get this shit handled so I can go home! Done and done. Happy momma on drugs and going home to be with her new miracle! This was 3.5 years ago, but I feel like all my labor and arrivals of my kids were yesterday! They grow fast and I still think of them all as my babies!

  3. Profile photo of Nichie
    Nichie 1 year ago

    I had 3 babies in consecutive years..
    The big three under three..
    Only reason that stopped was because hubby flew the nest to be with a new bird..

    First baby…
    Induced.. severe pain like no tomorrow.. absolutely zero control over my movements and strapped to the bed.
    Baby went into distress. I had every drug avaliable.. we both basically died. And I ended up with an emergency c-section..

    And then 17months later I’m back.. round 2..
    Refuse their opinions and advice on having another c-section, refused their care. Refused to even go near the hospital.
    Midwife (in NZ you have midwives) met me at a birthing Centre about half way to the hospital.
    Told me I was 7 1/2cm (too late to go to hospital).. I jumped in bath and remember holding onto the edge screaming in my head that I wanted the gas!
    Then next minute I feel like I’m having a seizure but no its my body pushing..
    That kid was drug free and natural waterbirth.
    I actually thought It was going to end up 100x worse because 3cm being induced with #1 was way worse then near the end with #2..

    And then 14 months following #3 I go back for round 3.
    Single this time. Alone.
    Barely make it to the hospital. Slip into the bath and 5 minutes later the baby slips out.
    Didn’t even think I was in labour.
    Felt like constipation 😂😂😂

    “Super Uterus”

    • Profile photo of Becky Bee
      Becky Bee 7 months ago

      So glad I found this post of yours! I’m due in about 3 months and scared shitless cos baby #1 was induced and the pain was unbelievable!! They gave me drugs little too late, didn’t kick in until push time. Had gas but it was on low apparently and I rmember cursing in my mind thinking ‘This aint doing shiiiiiiit!!’ 2nd time around I’ll be asking for the drugs.. (no trying to be a hero this time) but just really hoping that the pain wont be quite as bad.. fingers crossed 🙂

  4. Profile photo of Kath
    Kath 1 year ago

    If I ever decide to have more children, it will be via C-section. I had a vaginal birth with No. 1 and never ever again will I be doing it! Being induced, 13 hours of contractions 5-10 minutes apart, fighting two sleeping pills that the midwife had talked me into having 30 mins prior to waters breaking, plus baby getting stuck on pelvis and ending up being cut and having baby vacuumed out, not to mention screaming and swearing the entire time for a C-section. Fuck that! People say you forget that shit…ha, not me! I must have a very very low threshold of pain.

    Even a minute after my child was born and my Queen midwife (who was amazing) was asking how I was, I said never again….and I mean it! God forbid the doctor or nurse who tries to convince me to have another vaginal delivery. I don’t care what other Mums think of deciding to have a C-section…if it’s not going to come out of their vagina then it’s not their choice!


    • Profile photo of Xanthi
      Xanthi 1 year ago

      Omg yes. I also had my baby vacuumed out of me and no I will never forget that. I’m traumatised for life. Don’t know who came up with that :p

  5. Profile photo of Carolina
    Carolina 1 year ago

    Thank you for this!!! All 3 of my kids were c-sections and every once in a while I still get the looks or the “oh”.
    Shove those looks and “ohs” up your you know what!! I have the most amazing, beautiful, healthy kids I have ever laid my eyes on. I did an awesome job!!!!

  6. Profile photo of Adele
    Adele 1 year ago

    With mini queen 1, water broke the day before and then nothing, went to hospital next day and told I could go back home and wait or be induced, opted to be induced as we couldn’t afford the taxi fare at the time, things happened pretty quick, not too much pain then there she was and I was fine…. Mini queen 2, didn’t want to come out, numerous trips to see docs, even had a sweep and nothing, told I would be induced, early hours the day before I start bleeding, I rush to hospital crying and worrying only to be told this can happen and is normal?!?!?! Never happened with my other 3, never had anyone tell me they had it, still nothing though, go to labour room get induced then baby heartbeat faint so want to put a clip on baby’s head, baby doesn’t like it so rushed to theatre, scalpel at ready I’m in so much pain at this point I want putting down, baby is ok wheeled back to labour room, pain becomes so much and baby not coming, I’m on gas and air and baby is back to back, rushed back to theatre but I’m adamant I’m not having a c section I will push this baby out, I hear the word forceps and I scream at them I’m not have a cone headed baby, so I push my tiny queen out and that’s when the fun really begins. The placenta is stuck, I’m pushing and they are pulling, the placenta tears in half and comes out inside out, blood all over floor, surgeons slipping everywhere, they are trying to give me a spinal at this point and I faint, back awake trying to push more needles in my spine whilst I’m bleeding to death, I tell them to put me under, I wake up groggy and hooked up to so many machines, I lost 2litres of blood and 3 transfusions and four days later I was going home, 10 months on I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses for saving me so I can help bring up 2 more beautiful, clever and I dependant queens xx

  7. Profile photo of Lucy
    Lucy 12 months ago

    I have had three children and three c- sections.. Non of my c- sections where my choice.. I think people forget a c- section is not the easy way out.. Most c- sections are for babies or mothers in trouble.. Its a terrifying experience.. I wish my babies and I had the chance to experience a natural birth and not taken “the easy way out.”

  8. Profile photo of spider woman
    spider woman 12 months ago

    I had to have an emergency c section after a 2.5 day failed induction with pre eclampsia… it was fucking terrifying. I pissed the bed I dont know how many times because I was in too much agony to get up for the first couple of days, then when I did manage to get off the insanely high hospital bed, I just pissed on the floor because I couldnt shuffle my whale like figure quick enough. My husband had back to work the same day that I came out of hospital… 3 days post birth… so I was completely alone, feeling the worst pain I had ever imagined I could feel, with my new baby. I never fekt like I had taken the easy option having a c section, never felt like I hadnt given birth… until a few months ago my hustband told me, in clear hearing of all of his friends…. I hadn’t actually given birth… shit hitting fan doesnt even begin to describe the eruption of anger that exploded from me. Needless to say, he will never dream of bringing that shitty negativity to my life again. I am a mother, I gave birth to my son. Its as fucking simple as that.

  9. Profile photo of Belinda
    Belinda 12 months ago

    I am having my first baby in 4 1/2 weeks.. Well that’s the due date. Our hospital wont do chosen C-sections and they will let you go up to ten days after the due date..

    I just feel like everything that can go wrong will go wrong for me. 🙁
    So yeah i’m scared of this pain i am about to go in even though this baby was planned.

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