To the Truck Driver up my Arse

Dear truck driver,

My name is Constance, that’s me in front of you in the dirty dented black Captiva. Taking my time.


I’m driving down the freeway with my four kids in the car, Rumi and Snow are nearly 1, Billie-Violet 6 and Arlo Love is 4.

I don’t know why or how I ended up with 4 kids, it was never my intention to have 4 of them, who the fuck wants 4 of them. I’m only 32, all I really wanted was a bottle of wine and a hot boyfriend.

But you see truck driver, what we want and what we get are 2 very different things. Something, somewhere saw me as a fit tour guide for these 4 children, despite not having a stable relationship, despite not having much money, they were entrusted to me.

These children are 4 of the great innocents, 4 little divine light keepers, 4 of the greatest and realest teachers I have ever come across.

These 4 children are sacred.

I’m taking these sun warriors on a trip, I take them away at ever opportunity I get, sometimes camping, sometimes we stay with friends and sometimes we fly somewhere really far away, I owe it to them, to keep them in nature, to keep them connected. They like salt water in their hair and sand between their toes and so we find it.
In my car Truck driver, my daughter is crying because my son wiped snot on her leg, my son just threw a half eaten Apple at my head, one of my babies is screaming her head off and the other is fast asleep. Still I take my time.

When I fell pregnant with the twins I thought my life was over, my marriage was breaking down, I had no energy, I was an artist that had no time to paint, I felt like a fat unlovable pig. I was doomed, never to be loved again. Life had royally fucked me in the arse and I hate anal truck driver, I really do.

But then something magic happened, they arrived and I was so filled up from bottom to top with sparky golden love, for them, for myself and for my other children that I knew I had one job, to keep these 4 shiney ones safe, to keep us together like the little wolf pack we are.

That’s where you come in Truck driver, you have a job to do too, and your just trying to do it, get your load from A to B.

But your not really taking your time are you, your having a little panic attack about being stuck behind me aren’t you? doing 100 in a 100 zone? Maybe you have a family of little glory ones waiting for their dads at home, or maybe your in a meth fuelled rage and you just can’t slow down.

But right now, I don’t really give a flying fuck where you need to be or when you need to be there, because your driving so far up my arse that I feel like I need to repeat how I feel about anal. Remember the part where I don’t like it?

Your truck may be huge and powerful and ridiculously fast, but do you really think that I would risk all this, all that had been gifted to me, all that I was blessed with because your intimidating me?

No truck driver, Your not scaring me, I have turned up the gay lord music my daughter has made me put on and I am literally pretending you are dead.

You can just wait Truck Driver, take a deep breath, appreciated the fact that this is our first and last encounter, your family and beautiful kids or crack pipe and evil little baggie won’t disappear because I held you back for three minutes while day dreaming about the blog I’m going to write you that you’ll definitely never read..

Kind regards Constance

  1. Profile photo of Lou
    Lou 1 year ago

    God this is so true! I am always ignoring truckie’s up my arse

  2. Profile photo of Sam
    Sam 1 year ago

    I hate when this happens it it drives me up the wall it’s not hard to sit back from someone a little

  3. Profile photo of Katie Hart
    Katie Hart 1 year ago

    “Bill is a responsible truckie…Bill drives within the legal speed limit…Bill also dislikes anal…Bill never trucks anyone up the arse while trucking…Bill is a awesome Truckie…Hey leadfoot bully truckies..learn from Bill….Be like Bill….Bill is cool…luv ya Constance xxx….hehe Queens keep on trucking…I mean rocking xxx

  4. Profile photo of Queen Selina
    Queen Selina 1 year ago

    Those sorts of truckies are referred to as “cowboys”. My dad was a truckie for a long time and he was disgusted every time he saw them. Assholes, the lot of them.

  5. Profile photo of Claire
    Claire 1 year ago

    Your writing is brilliant. You are a fantastic, detailed and genuine story teller. You take the simplest of situations and observations and bring them to their bones. I’m hoping you are working on a book, or that it will be a project in the future.

  6. Profile photo of Mummy 2 4
    Mummy 2 4 1 year ago

    Con – I find this to be the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Pure gold. I love it 😘

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